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Oh what a half season The Walking Dead was!

The group took over the prison; killed a hell of a lot of zombies and a couple of people too; we were finally introduced to our silent mute Michonne; Merle is alive and Carl is still needs an ass whooping; The Governor got his eye poked out; Andrea got laid and a hot shower; the Old Man got half of his leg cut off; T-Dog had 2 lines and then was killed; and Rick lost his mind for 2 episodes and miraculously got sane. 

Oh and what’s her face died after she gave birth and we all cried and forgot for 4 minutes that we hated her ungrateful ass.

 There wasn’t much to complain about this season, it was pretty amazing. But that won’t stop Pop Gumbo from throwing shade anyway. It’s what I do.  Here’s what I need to happen when the show returns in February.

  • Make Michonne Open Her Damn Mouth 

 I am not sure if she is Helen Keller meets Kill Bill, but seriously, her long silent glares with her big eyes and her grunting got REAL tired after episode 3.

 We get it, she mad, she bad, she black, she has swords and she is independent. But can we make her less of the angry Black woman that we are warned will never get married cause she too “aggressive” and more of a nuanced character that I can relate to and empathize with?

 For her to be a fan favorite, the meth looking white man ex con who I can’t even remember his name has more actual lines than Michonne does. Get it together please. It’s bad enough that the only other Black woman on the show got all TD Jakes on us and sat there and to get blown up so she could meet her maker.

 Also, she was waaay too worried about Andrea’s ass for entirely too long.  Girl, if Andrea wanna stay and be The Governor’s booty call let her. No one is gonna make me stay longer than I want to, if I think the ish is shady…

 Which leads me to….

  • De-Dickmatize Andrea STAT

 Look, I get it. The last person Andrea had sex with was Shane’s crazy ass. And the last time Andrea took a shower was 2010. And the last time she had liquor was at the CDC headquarters. She’s been running with Michonne all winter, she is tired of talking to herself and running from the zombies. She wants a normal life, some consistent sex and a warm bed to sleep in at night.

And the Governor is giving her everything she needs, included a lifetime supply of whiskey. I would be the Queen of Woodberry-doing anything he told me to do (within reason) As my friend once joked, if he was her he would be like “You want me to comb Penny’s hair Big Daddy?”

But what I need for the writers to do is de-dickmatize her and get her mind right when it comes to Rick & Co. They are your family, that’s where your loyalties lie. Yeah yeah, you got left, but girl please. Your own sister, had you not put her down, would have left you too. Get over it. You gonna mess around and stay and end up in a body bag or worse one of them zombies wrestling humans in the pit with people cheering. 

 What’s most sad is that Andrea had gained all of this independence and “I am woman hear me roar” mentality since the first season, and the minute she gets some lovin’ and male attention, she acts stuck on stupid. Sigh.  

  • It’s OK to Have More Than One Black Man Alive on The Show At a Time, Really, It Is

 I mean, it was bad enough that T-Dawg only had 4 lines for two and a half seasons. But you then kill him off, only to replace him with an ex con who lasted like 4 eps with very few lines, who you then killed off and replaced with another Black man we met in the finale, Tyrone.

What’s up with this tag team Black representation? You afraid that if you have three Black men together at the same time, they gonna go all Nat Turner on these white folks? I can’t promise that they won’t, but still, don’t be scared.

 Also: Where are the Latinos, Asian women, Arabs, South Asians and most importantly, THE OUT GAYS??? I know its Georgia, but I need some more diversity up in this apocalyptic world…

  • Whatever you do DON’T KILL OFF DARYL OR GLEN

 Yeah you all killed off Shane, Dale and Laurie, which was OK cause they were annoying.  I get that killing off main characters, who we have grown to love and/or hate, creates more buzz, drama and long ass FB threads and gchat conversations. It also gets you more viewers. So in no way am I asking you to not kill people because I am not emotional capable of dealing with loss. But if you kill off Glen and/or Daryl folks including myself might lose their damn minds, riot and stone you all at Comic-Con. I’m just warning you, a boycott of the show ain’t nothing. People are emotionally invested in these two characters for a RANGE OF REASONS, so choose wisely you off next.

 My advice: Just kill Carl Jr–his Justin Beiber hair, bad attitude and sense of entitlement is getting on my damn nerves. Just a suggestion.

Any other items of your wishlist for The Walking Dead? What did I miss?

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Is it just me or has the media given a lot of attention to black women and their hair over the recent years. I swear every time I click on Bossip or Clutch, I am reading about the biggest Afro ever, or women crying about having their afros frisked and patted down at the airport, or mothers are going natural to show their daughters that its ok to be nappy., Hell, it seems like every week the New York Times is pumping out an article about somebody’s natural hair and somebody’s blog about natural hair. Now MTV is trying to get their piece of the Miss Jessie’s pie.

They have put out a casting call to find black women to tell their going natural stories for their show True Life–you know MTV’s rendition of hard-hitting journalism exploiting stupid people who want to be famous. Well my girl Tracie hit me up joking if I were to call send in a tape, given that I am month 14 into my transition, and thank you Jesus, I still have hair on my head and the shit hasn’t broken all the way off. (Thank you heavy duty protein treatments)

Now of course, I told her no. 1.) I am too old for MTV and those kids would just suck their teeth, roll their eyes and just turn on Love and Hip Hop and watch those hens cluck it out before they would listen to my damn India Arie love yourself , fuck the Kardashians mantra.

2.)When it comes to my hair, there is no drama. I wash it, condition it, detangle it,  pull it back, put a scarf on it and the shit lays for most of the whole day. If I want to straighten, the Dominicans do that. I just struggle with moderate breakage. I am not going through some back to Africa to moment,  no one is telling me I look like Aunt Jemima or Celie from the Color Purple or making fun on my choices,  and I have yet to get caught up in my bathroom with a bowl of well mixed Mizani Butter Blends begging my roommate to talk me down from relaxing my shit bone straight.

But if I know anything about reality TV, black folks and the obsession with natural/kinky/curly/nappy hair, I am predicting the three people that the casting directors will choose:

  1. The biracial chick whose black father is MIA and she is stuck in the middle of Indiana in a rural white community where no one gets her and the only hair product they have for black hair within the next 50 mile radius is Murray’s pomade…and the idea of Hair Rules is a mere pipedream…shit the town JUST found out of what JAM was…..good luck Bethany growing out that Just for me...Likelihood that she will remain natural: High. Cause once someone introduces her to the Chi flat iron and a YouTube channel tutorial, her hair will be slanging like a Beyonce lacefront.
  2. The spunky cheerleader who probably went to Spelman or Howard or some other HBCU, she wears pearls, goes to church every Sunday and has big plans on marrying her high school sweetheart who only wants two things from her: For her to to always make him a plate before she makes her own and 2.) Just be pretty , quiet and keep that weave in. Oh, also she comes from money and a mother (with an attitude that resembles Whitley Gilbert’s mom) who permed her hair the second a wave came in–so every 6 weeks.  Now this girl breaks up with that boy,  comes home for Thanksgiving with an Issa Rae haircut and her boogie ass mom goes ballistic…Pass the potatoes folks, it’s not going to be pretty. Likelihood that she will remain natural: It’s a Toss Up. She might lose her inheritance for staying true to herself or because her family now thinks that she is a lesbian. But if she can tough it out, let her hair grow in some and master the art of the twist-out using something from the Uncle Funky’s Daughter product line, she might be saved. But this one is weak as hell, if the family doesn’t come around, she might consider relaxing again.
  3. The cute chic, whose hair drama unfortunately plays out like Pecola from The Bluest Eye. She lives for Curly Nikki and Long Hair Care Forums and spends her life dreaming of 3c curls and asking people what her hair type is. They tell her 4C, she calls them “Haters.” And with her “I’ll show them attitude” she finally does the big chop, only to realize that her natural looks like taco meat. She freaks out,  but she is committed to getting what she wants, She goes into steep credit card debt, buying every new product, trying every new technique-shingling, braidouts, three strand twists to no avail...Likelihood that she will remain natural Not a Chance in Hell.  Girl, there are not enough products in the world to make your hair look like Mariah Carey circa “Vision of Love”. She gets way too frustrated with her shrinkage and dryness and the negative comments from her family, friends and potential men she wants to date. She lets their ignorance get her down and eventually she slaps some creamy crack back into her shit and swears she will never go natural again. “The hell with all you natural bitches.”

Fade to black, roll credits…up next…”Teenage Mom 2″

I mean, did I get it wrong? Who do you think MTV will pick?

(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is about Justin Beiber, but his bangs annoy the hell out me every week…carry on)

Here are five things that irked the hell out of me this week:

  • Sista Gurl get your curtsey on. No, the Queen isn’t coming, The “extinct successful black man” is gracing you with his bullshit:

 Another article, another reminder of how unfuckable and unlovable we are. This time, it’s Vibe’s turn to step in the shit. In an as told to piece, Rapper Slim Thug—no, you are not alone, I can’t name his last album either—unloaded his anger towards his mother for not breastfeeding him as a child warned black women to be more like white women if they want to have black mates. He said:

 “Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more.”cooking and being down for they man moret cooking and being down for they man more…”

I cannot. Negro, go sit down somewhere. Like I am going to take dating advice from someone whose name is Slim Thug (though you kinda fat), has really never dated a quality woman (only skrippers with red lace fronts and 3 different baby daddies) and has admitted to having serious issues being faithful in relationships.

Instead of popping off at the mouth spreading more misogynistic fuckery, why not just do what all Z- list celebs do when questioning their relevancy? Leak your own sex tape.  Thanks in advance.

  • Jada Pinkett, stop using your kids to prove you are the cool! Isn’t being a swinger enough? We get it, you different.

 We all saw poor little Willow Smith at the premiere of her brother’s movie rocking what looked like a mix of Lady Gaga, Neo from The Matrix with a splash of Mr. T. I can’t. Yeah this might have been somewhat okay if she was 19, not 9. She is not old enough to make an educated decision on looking like a hot ass mess yet.

 I don’t know if it’s the fame, the feeling that they are invincible, the obsession with media attention, or the Scientology, but these damn celeb parents keep playing Barbie and Ken with their kids and I am getting tired of it. IT’S NOT CUTE.  

From Mel B giving her 3-year old a Mohawk with shaved sides, to Katie Holmes’s toddler Suri rocking heels and NO COAT in the winter, to Angelina Jolie dying her kids’ hair all different colors. When will this stop? I am all for allowing a child to explore their creativity and be who they are, but these damn kids are not asking for this, they can barely tell you where their nose is.  

If any Hollywood child is asking for something, it’s baby Zahara begging for Brad to hire a live-in hairdresser. She is tired of looking like a runaway slave.

  • The whackest shows of all time—One Tree Hill, Supernatural, and 90210—continue to get renewed, but The Game is still MIA?

 This isn’t really a new concept, but I saw some commercial on CW for another teen show, full of white kids, based on the same concept of Gossip Girl AND GOT PISSED. The Game was a great show, funny, entertaining , not to mention Coby Bell is an Adonis. And now we have to wait till 2015 probably waiting for EBT BET to get it together and get their money right.

 It’s funny how the origins of CW made their money off black comedies and now there isn’t one left in sight. Television is looking more and more like Anaheim, CA, people.

  •  Who are the “average Americans” surveyed for Facebook’s “Family Feud” game? Cult members? Jesus Freaks? People who think fine dining is Red Lobster?

 Maybe I am just way too New York to excell at this game,  cause I only make it the Bonus Round like once every four games.

What do you mean things that people do in the morning before anyone gets up does not include smoking, reading Media Takeout or preparing for the walk of shame back to your apartment? Apparently, this is the time when people workout and pray and have sex with their cousins.

 This game is not about how smart you are, or reasonable, it’s about how West Virginia you can be.

  •  Helena Andrews’ memoir “Bitch is The New Black” came out last week:  

Ugh. Normally, I would have a lot to say about this, but I am exercising my right to remain silent. Wouldn’t want to be accused of having the right to have a fucking opinion when people suck bringing another black woman down.

 It’s cool though. I’ll just let these three do it for me.

 Book Review: Helena Andrews Has A Quarter-Life Crisis In “Bitch Is the New Black”

 Thirsty is the New Black

Rebuttal: Bitch is The New Black

012762_11The Boomerang soundtrack was the ish, but this song was the STANDOUT! PM Dawn was always a little strange, with their flower power mantra and hippie glasses. Not quite the mold of black masculinity at that time–Public Enemy, X-hats and “By Any Means Necessary, that’s probably why I loved them so….. I had this crush on this boy–who will remain nameless and you couldn’t have told me that this song was not written for me and my teen angst. I was a tortured soul even back in 1992.

paulwalker8Say what you must, I don’t give a damn! This white boy from the Fast and the Furious franchise LOOKS GOOD! I know he’s this millennium’s version of Keanu Reeves….I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH THAT, especially given how I would strip in the streets if that’s what it took for Keanu to even look at me.

Walker is the epitome of Nebraska-looking loving. I have yet to see him close up, which is fine FOR NOW. I remember junior year in college, my BFF Emily came to visit me at Michigan and we went to the mall movie theater to see She’s All That and this Adonis played the jerk. When he came to pick Lacey up for the prom and he walked in her parents living room with that tux on….EVERY YOUNG GIRL GASPED like someone had touched their hmm mmm for the first time–Myself included! Paul was the first celebrity I ever cyber-stalked..oh the memories!

Peep my boy:

Who are the people that create these YouTube montages? I mean I am not knocking them, they just do all of my stalker work for me. I just want to know.

angels-baby-rib-crop-tee-baby-blue-groupieSo do you have low-self esteem? Don’t want to use any real talents other than giving mind-blowing fellatio and using your vagina for cash and “security”? Chase whoever is poppin’ bottles at the club? Great, cause now you have a web sight to validate your whorish behavior. ENTER the blog Tales From A Groupie: The Guidebook to Legal Prostitution Being A Groupie. My girl Shavon brought this to my attention and I am utterly flabbergasted.

This websight allows for women and men to post their nasty-ass tales of fuckery with athletes, rappers and actors and it gives advice to groupies that will help them navigate their skanky world better. Seriously, there are like q&A’s with these people with photographs of who they conquered.

Here’s my personal favorite:

Chris Wilcox

How was he in bed?

Chris and I had one encounter and that was all I could take. It was while he was playing for the clippers. And man let me tell you, this man has the Biggest D*ck I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s like a typical ball player. Straight to the point, no time for BS. Put it like this, his d*ck was so big, I couldn’t even wrap my hand around it!!! It is basically the size of a newborn and I could not take it all the while we f*cked (because trust that what he did) I screamed out in pain. I have never once ran from d*ck, but man he was pulling me back like no other. I could not wait for it to be done. After that I would see him around and I went the other way. I was scared that he would ask to hit it again because my answer would be a long drawn out NO!!!

What would you rate him?
Chris isn’t bad in bed at all. He is a beast, as far as d*ck size so I’ll say 3-4 outta 5, but I wouldn’t f*ck him again because it’s like having a baby and that sh*t hurts
[NO COMMENT ON THAT ONE]
Another fave:
Groupie Tip of The Day: Be Easy
Not just “easy” in the sexual sense, but easygoing. Don’t fret over bullshit like stayin’ out too late or eating that infamous ‘fourth meal’. You know the meal that is to late to be dinner, and to early to be breakfast? Yep, that one. Keep in mind, nobody wants to hang around a uptight bitch. As much as being with this celebrity may be a fantasy for you, it’s a break from reality for him too. Don’t be that overbearing, naggin’ chick that doesn’t know how to chill the hell out. Keep things on your own terms, and try not to appear desperate. Remember, they’re human just like you and as with most things, less is always more; it keeps them guessing.

What I want to know is that if you are a groupie, how you going to act like you are a number one? You are a vessel for this man to penetrate, nothing more, and there isn’t anything less to be. So how you gonna demand to be treated well or want something like RESPECT? A mess.

Can someone tell me what does having sex with an athlete do for you? Does your property value go up? Do you feel prettier than you normally would if you had sex with a REGULAR MAN who might actually call you back? Do these men pay your rent or something? I am not sure if this is all lies, if the creator is making a point by making fun of these girls without them knowing it or she might be working on her PhD in anthropology, but either way she is only letting these girls think this behavior is cool and its not.

I will say that if the economy gets any worse, I might be taking some pointers from these chics…KIDDING…sort of. I’m gonna ride out this writing career, having a Master’s Degree thing and see where it takes me….

ciaraYeah, yeah, this isn’t really a THROWBACK per se, it came out a few years ago, but this is my blog, so I do what I WANT. Say what you want about Ciara–no talent, she has a penis, etc. This video, that pelvis thing that she is doing (Don’t try it at home, I almost fell off the wall and broke my hip,) and just the song in general is HOT.

Play this for me and my clothes are instantly coming off. I’m kidding momma..sort of.

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