He Reminds Me Of My Jeep


(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is about Justin Beiber, but his bangs annoy the hell out me every week…carry on)

Here are five things that irked the hell out of me this week:

  • Sista Gurl get your curtsey on. No, the Queen isn’t coming, The “extinct successful black man” is gracing you with his bullshit:

 Another article, another reminder of how unfuckable and unlovable we are. This time, it’s Vibe’s turn to step in the shit. In an as told to piece, Rapper Slim Thug—no, you are not alone, I can’t name his last album either—unloaded his anger towards his mother for not breastfeeding him as a child warned black women to be more like white women if they want to have black mates. He said:

 “Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more.”cooking and being down for they man moret cooking and being down for they man more…”

I cannot. Negro, go sit down somewhere. Like I am going to take dating advice from someone whose name is Slim Thug (though you kinda fat), has really never dated a quality woman (only skrippers with red lace fronts and 3 different baby daddies) and has admitted to having serious issues being faithful in relationships.

Instead of popping off at the mouth spreading more misogynistic fuckery, why not just do what all Z- list celebs do when questioning their relevancy? Leak your own sex tape.  Thanks in advance.

  • Jada Pinkett, stop using your kids to prove you are the cool! Isn’t being a swinger enough? We get it, you different.

 We all saw poor little Willow Smith at the premiere of her brother’s movie rocking what looked like a mix of Lady Gaga, Neo from The Matrix with a splash of Mr. T. I can’t. Yeah this might have been somewhat okay if she was 19, not 9. She is not old enough to make an educated decision on looking like a hot ass mess yet.

 I don’t know if it’s the fame, the feeling that they are invincible, the obsession with media attention, or the Scientology, but these damn celeb parents keep playing Barbie and Ken with their kids and I am getting tired of it. IT’S NOT CUTE.  

From Mel B giving her 3-year old a Mohawk with shaved sides, to Katie Holmes’s toddler Suri rocking heels and NO COAT in the winter, to Angelina Jolie dying her kids’ hair all different colors. When will this stop? I am all for allowing a child to explore their creativity and be who they are, but these damn kids are not asking for this, they can barely tell you where their nose is.  

If any Hollywood child is asking for something, it’s baby Zahara begging for Brad to hire a live-in hairdresser. She is tired of looking like a runaway slave.

  • The whackest shows of all time—One Tree Hill, Supernatural, and 90210—continue to get renewed, but The Game is still MIA?

 This isn’t really a new concept, but I saw some commercial on CW for another teen show, full of white kids, based on the same concept of Gossip Girl AND GOT PISSED. The Game was a great show, funny, entertaining , not to mention Coby Bell is an Adonis. And now we have to wait till 2015 probably waiting for EBT BET to get it together and get their money right.

 It’s funny how the origins of CW made their money off black comedies and now there isn’t one left in sight. Television is looking more and more like Anaheim, CA, people.

  •  Who are the “average Americans” surveyed for Facebook’s “Family Feud” game? Cult members? Jesus Freaks? People who think fine dining is Red Lobster?

 Maybe I am just way too New York to excell at this game,  cause I only make it the Bonus Round like once every four games.

What do you mean things that people do in the morning before anyone gets up does not include smoking, reading Media Takeout or preparing for the walk of shame back to your apartment? Apparently, this is the time when people workout and pray and have sex with their cousins.

 This game is not about how smart you are, or reasonable, it’s about how West Virginia you can be.

  •  Helena Andrews’ memoir “Bitch is The New Black” came out last week:  

Ugh. Normally, I would have a lot to say about this, but I am exercising my right to remain silent. Wouldn’t want to be accused of having the right to have a fucking opinion when people suck bringing another black woman down.

 It’s cool though. I’ll just let these three do it for me.

 Book Review: Helena Andrews Has A Quarter-Life Crisis In “Bitch Is the New Black”

 Thirsty is the New Black

Rebuttal: Bitch is The New Black

Yes, Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation makes my panties moist. I aint ashamed.

This Canadian import’s smile blows me away. Most important,  he is slightly corny–which I love. I am so over this “I got shot nine times in the mouth, I sold drugs out my grandmother’s car, I have 17 kids from 17 different women and I served 25 years to life for murdering some man who cut me line at Target.

The hyper-masculine thug has got to go!

What I find interesting is that when I posted my love for Drake on Facebook, I got HATED on. Told that he is ugly, that I am too cute for him and that I have low standards!

Listen up: I don’t care if he looks kinda of retarded, or if his hairline is REALLY low or if he somewhat resembles a caveman, homo-habitus, whatever. This young man  is super talented and can make my p***y whistle WHENEVER HE WANTS.

Oh and you cougars out there, Drake, 23,  told Vibe he loves older women. (Which means I possibly have a chance. )

FYI: I have forgiven him for that shitty “Best I Ever Had” video and his kiss with Rihanna. (Kanye, who directed the video was clearly off his meds. I also suspect he suffers from the same disease that Beyonce’s father does–wanting to sabatoge other’s careers who stand in his way.  No comment on Rihanna–I don’t want to get attacked by her stans who continue to fight for the right to have no talent and be successful in the music game. )

Below is his newest joint with Timberland, “Say Something”… Peep when he licks his lips…damn…

Drake, I have plenty to say, but I don’t want my another lecture from my mother for being crass on the blog.

paulwalker8Say what you must, I don’t give a damn! This white boy from the Fast and the Furious franchise LOOKS GOOD! I know he’s this millennium’s version of Keanu Reeves….I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH THAT, especially given how I would strip in the streets if that’s what it took for Keanu to even look at me.

Walker is the epitome of Nebraska-looking loving. I have yet to see him close up, which is fine FOR NOW. I remember junior year in college, my BFF Emily came to visit me at Michigan and we went to the mall movie theater to see She’s All That and this Adonis played the jerk. When he came to pick Lacey up for the prom and he walked in her parents living room with that tux on….EVERY YOUNG GIRL GASPED like someone had touched their hmm mmm for the first time–Myself included! Paul was the first celebrity I ever cyber-stalked..oh the memories!

Peep my boy:

Who are the people that create these YouTube montages? I mean I am not knocking them, they just do all of my stalker work for me. I just want to know.

I know that there are a lot of black women who would never date a non-black man. That’s your business, you keep letting Essence pump that “one day your black prince will come” fairytale into your head. He might and he might not, but in the meantime, look around a bit, explore.  I did and I found Keanu Reeves. We are quite happy together.

I know he will never be an Oscar winner, he may not take showers every day and there are those gay rumors, but that has never stopped me before, he is fine!

I had fallen out of love with him , but he has been making a Kellee-comeback, especially with The Lake House a few years ago. After watching that, it was on and popping. I would have waited 10 years for him. 

Man! Only better with age.

 

Enjoy this montage of my man. 

You really can find anything on Youtube.

It in un-feminist of me to be get the giggles every time this man is on television? Before, I never looked at him in that way, I just respected him for his beliefs, his vision for this country and his “audacity to hope.” But after that whole “brush your shoulders off” incident, I see his swagger. We all know how I love a man with swagger.

Sigh.

FYI: Don’t worry Michelle, I won’t cross the line. I know you don’t play. You would tear me up if I attempted to step to your man.

I know that some of you are not into light-skinned dudes, YOU NEED TO GET OVER THAT STAT because Coby is an Adonis.

In the spring of 2003, a friend and I were taking advantage of the nice weather so we decided to walk from 109th and Broadway to Lincoln Center, which is about 66th and Broadway. We were chatting and laughing when this tall brother with a bald head caught my eye. This man, who I did not see his face was crossing the street wearing shorts and a tank top dribbling a basketball, I knew he was the one. Then he turned around and smiled, and I realized that it was Coby Bell, who at the time was on Third Watch.

WHEN I SAY HIS SMILE LIT UP THE WHOLE DAMN STREET, I ALMOST WENT BLIND. It was surreal. I thought I was having an out of body experience. He is so fine that you would actually consider selling your mother back into slavery to be with him.

Catch my boo on The Game every Sunday or until it gets canceled.

Sorry Nicole P, I know this is your future husband,  but I just couldn’t help myself–basketball player Chris Paul really is too fine. He shouldn’t be able to walk down the damn street, he is that fly. Added bonus, he doesn’t sound like a slave when being interviewed by the press.

I am literally blushing while watching Dallas play New Orleans right now. I may have outgrown my “athlete phase” ions ago, but for this one, I could morph into a bottle chaser STAT. (Kidding, sort of)

BTW: Did anyone see my man Jamie Hector on The Game today? I was squealing.

Someone remind you of your jeep? Nominate him!

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