Feminism


angels-baby-rib-crop-tee-baby-blue-groupieSo do you have low-self esteem? Don’t want to use any real talents other than giving mind-blowing fellatio and using your vagina for cash and “security”? Chase whoever is poppin’ bottles at the club? Great, cause now you have a web sight to validate your whorish behavior. ENTER the blog Tales From A Groupie: The Guidebook to Legal Prostitution Being A Groupie. My girl Shavon brought this to my attention and I am utterly flabbergasted.

This websight allows for women and men to post their nasty-ass tales of fuckery with athletes, rappers and actors and it gives advice to groupies that will help them navigate their skanky world better. Seriously, there are like q&A’s with these people with photographs of who they conquered.

Here’s my personal favorite:

Chris Wilcox

How was he in bed?

Chris and I had one encounter and that was all I could take. It was while he was playing for the clippers. And man let me tell you, this man has the Biggest D*ck I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s like a typical ball player. Straight to the point, no time for BS. Put it like this, his d*ck was so big, I couldn’t even wrap my hand around it!!! It is basically the size of a newborn and I could not take it all the while we f*cked (because trust that what he did) I screamed out in pain. I have never once ran from d*ck, but man he was pulling me back like no other. I could not wait for it to be done. After that I would see him around and I went the other way. I was scared that he would ask to hit it again because my answer would be a long drawn out NO!!!

What would you rate him?
Chris isn’t bad in bed at all. He is a beast, as far as d*ck size so I’ll say 3-4 outta 5, but I wouldn’t f*ck him again because it’s like having a baby and that sh*t hurts
[NO COMMENT ON THAT ONE]
Another fave:
Groupie Tip of The Day: Be Easy
Not just “easy” in the sexual sense, but easygoing. Don’t fret over bullshit like stayin’ out too late or eating that infamous ‘fourth meal’. You know the meal that is to late to be dinner, and to early to be breakfast? Yep, that one. Keep in mind, nobody wants to hang around a uptight bitch. As much as being with this celebrity may be a fantasy for you, it’s a break from reality for him too. Don’t be that overbearing, naggin’ chick that doesn’t know how to chill the hell out. Keep things on your own terms, and try not to appear desperate. Remember, they’re human just like you and as with most things, less is always more; it keeps them guessing.

What I want to know is that if you are a groupie, how you going to act like you are a number one? You are a vessel for this man to penetrate, nothing more, and there isn’t anything less to be. So how you gonna demand to be treated well or want something like RESPECT? A mess.

Can someone tell me what does having sex with an athlete do for you? Does your property value go up? Do you feel prettier than you normally would if you had sex with a REGULAR MAN who might actually call you back? Do these men pay your rent or something? I am not sure if this is all lies, if the creator is making a point by making fun of these girls without them knowing it or she might be working on her PhD in anthropology, but either way she is only letting these girls think this behavior is cool and its not.

I will say that if the economy gets any worse, I might be taking some pointers from these chics…KIDDING…sort of. I’m gonna ride out this writing career, having a Master’s Degree thing and see where it takes me….

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meghan_mccainI knew when this heifer was on The View and other silly shows talking about the devil bitch Ann Coulter and other uninteresting topics, she was up to something. Well I was right. The New York Observer reports that Hyperion is publishing Ms. McCain’s book and is writing her a 6-figure check for it–like she really needs it.

John McCain’s 24-year-old daughter Meghan has a book deal! Sources say Hyperion has prevailed over at least three other publishers in an auction that began earlier this week, following a round of meetings during which the in-your-face young conservative and the literary agent she shares with her father, Sterling Lord Literistic president Flip Brophy, discussed a number of possible approaches to the book with editors around town.

Several sources said the advance Ms. McCain will receive from Hyperion, which is owned by the Disney Company, is in the high six figures.

While we haven’t quite nailed down what Ms. McCain’s book will be about—no one at Hyperion nor Ms. Brophy returned calls this afternoon—if her recent columns for Tina Brown and Barry Diller’s Web site The Daily Beast are any indication, it will probably have something to do with the future of the Republican party, and how it must change to attract the votes of modern young people.

YAWN! Hey Meghan, why not give that money to the families whose loved-ones are fighting in the war that your senile father voted for. Honestly, don’t we have enough boring blonde women with nothing to say writing books nowadays? I am WAY more interested in reading a book from the other McCain daughter, the Indian one they treat like one of the kidnapped kids from The People Under The Stairs. That would be a page-turner.

american_violetThanks to Tyler Perry and his coon flicks-YEAH I SAID IT–black people still believe that every woman just needs a good man and a good prayer to get through the day. When in actuality, we just need a stiff one and a stiff cocktail. (I’m joking momma, I don’t even know what that means. I’m a virgin and I don’t drink) It’s time for a change when it comes to images of black people in pop culture–AND THE OBAMAS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

Hopefully, American Violet is a step in the right direction as will my screenplay if I could ever get off page 1. American Violet starring Alfre Woodard, Xzibit. Charles S. Dutton and Nicole Behari is based on the real-life story of Texan waitress Regina Kelly, who was wrongly arrested in 2000 for drugs in a corrupt plan headed by the District Attorney.

Peep the trailer:

Listen up: If you have 10 bucks to trick off to see Madea Burns Down The Chicken Spot and SoulPlane 5: Into The Hudson River, then you can afford to be enlightened by something thought-provoking.

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So, a few months ago my roommate and I were watching Oxygen’s Snapped (a show about how women who have gone crazy mostly ’cause a man has driven them to that point) when we stumbled across this utter fuckery called Unbathed Hoebags The Bad Girls Club. This show houses 8 of the stupidest, sluttiest, craziest, will-fight-you-in-a- second skanks. And I hate to say that about women, but I’m gonna have to call it like I see it–all they do is drink, smoke, fight and hook-up. There are the Ambers–two blondes who like to hide gummie bears in everything to piss everyone off; Sarah, who used to posed for Playboy like years ago who looks like she only bathes once a week; Ailea, who I strongly believe is missing a chromosome, is torn between a man her own age and a 45 year old she met on the Internet; Tiffany is the Newport-chain smoking token black girl who thinks she is really hard, but could easily be punked by Paris Hilton; Whitney, who comes from Boston, is just filler and I can’t understand anything she is saying; Kayla, the quintessential hood rat who left the show after one of the Amber’s wouldn’t let her pull her ho card and actually fought back; and finally Ashley, the Seattle chic who everyone originally hated on cause she had big boobs, a sugar daddy and hogged all the male attention.

I had to stop watching it, because that coupled with my Jack Daniels were depleting just too many of my brain cells.

What is the premise of this crack pipe? Does someone win a prize at the end of the season, like a $100 gift certificate to Strawberry? Do they have jobs or internships like on The Real World, mentoring strippers or ex-Penthouse centerfolds? Do they get two semesters free at their local cosmetology school? I could see if this was like Starting Over and they had some life coaches who were trying to make a difference, but these women are just RUNNING WILD WITH NO CAUSE. Someone tell me why is this show even on! And does Oprah know about it? Why she is on her show yelling at Rihanna for getting back with Chris Brown, she needs to grab them producers and have a private conversation about this ridiculousness and stop having shows that portray woman like dumb horny useless sluts. BOO HARPO!

1101080519_400Well, the Messiah’s President Obama’s trip to Europe may have done more than give people more reason to talk about Michelle Obama’s arms, new relaxer or her rear–many of his disciples Americans believe that the Beatles-like response our President and his wife received means that once our dollar is worth more than a piece of chewed gum stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe, we can go to Spain and perhaps not get lynched. CNN.com reports:

A large majority, 79 percent, said people in other countries will have a more positive view of the United States because of Obama, while 19 percent said it would be more negative, according to the CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll.

Asked whether Obama has accomplished anything on his trip, 16 percent said that he had accomplished a great deal, while 45 percent thought he had accomplished a fair amount during this trip that took him to a summit with European Union leaders in the Czech Republic, the Group of 20 meeting in England and the NATO summit in France.

“The American public seems to think that Obama‘s primary achievement on his trip so far was increasing good will rather than winning specific concessions from other countries,” said Keating Holland, CNN’s polling director.

I love to hear that people are not ready to throw my boo under a bus yet, but I am more interested in a survey from Europeans about how they feel about us–cause what we think really doesn’t matter, we are proven to be imbeciles. (Remember Cross Colors, both President Bushes and the Macarena?) I hope their feelings match ours, because if I ever travel abroad again, I really don’t want to tell people I am Canadian like I did in 2004 when I went to Paris. I kept getting yelled at for voting for Bush, when I tried to explain that I didn’t, so I just walked around saying “Ey” all the time humming “Oh Canada” under my breath. Not a good look.

tamponsI am not sure if people are aware how we came to this world, but I’m going to drop some knowledge and it doesn’t involve a stork. Our parents didn’t use condoms or the pull out method, our daddy’s sperm traveled through our mommy’s fallopian tubes and found an egg and fertilized it. From there the egg attached itself to the uterine walls and we stayed there for about nine months until it was time to pop out. For the months that didn’t happen, the egg releases in bloody mucus in a process called MENSTRUATION! This has been going down since the BIG BANG THEORY or for those who believe in God since Eve got duped by the serpent. For whatever reason, people still act like we are living in 1955.

Today, after suffering one of the worst cases of PMS I have ever had in my 30 and half years—I wanted to throw someone on a subway track, punch an old woman for laughs and burst out crying for no reason—I felt that I wanted to share that with the world- or my Facebook network of “friends.” So I wrote “Kellee has REALLY BAD PMS, so keep all of your smart comments to yourself, LOL” I thought a few people would write, “Girl, you so crazy” and keep it moving.

Try again.

I was accused of being Gloria Steinem (for those who don’t read that much she’s a feminist who led the Women’s Lib Movement in the 1970s) and of sharing too much information cause GASP the very thought of a woman having HORMONES and being on her period IS THE WORST DAMN THING ON EARTH. Not being Jeffery Dahmer, or Bernie Madoff, or liking kiddie porn, but menstruating. I see how far we have come.

And for the record, TMI would be saying, “Kellee’s period is MAD HEAVY this month!” or “Man, my tampon is stuck for days!” or something to that nature (None of which is true in my case.) And let’s keep it real (James that is for you): If men had PMS, we would have cure for that bullshit and if we didn’t, March Madness would have a damn contest about it like they did for colon cancer—one of the top killers of men in this country. PMS would be part of every damn conversation and wouldn’t be considered as gross.

What really kills me is that people write all the time on Facebook, “I have the flu!” Or “I am coming down with a cold.” And their damn walls are flooded with get-well wishes for their snotty congested germ ridden asses. Where the hell is my get-well wish? Where is my “Girl, get you a Pamprin and an Alieve and lay down.” “Girl, it’s going be ok, don’t kill anyone.” Instead, I get yelled at because no one wants to think about blood. F-YOU. I don’t want to think about throwing hot coffee on people, but I can’t help it cause my emotions are on psycho-mode. So, now we’re even.

Wanna know what really sucks? All of this cyber banter about how inappropriate I am only made my PMS worse. Thanks guys.

*This is for my girl Hisano and all the others who are suffering from PMS in silence

he_s_just_not_that_into_you_movie_image_jennifer_connelly__jennifer_anistonSo, in hopes of being totally ironic and to give me a reason to resurrect my beloved blog from the ashes, I went to see He’s Just Not That Into You with my girls on Valentine’s Day. Before I go into why the film made me want to slice off my breasts and give myself a hysterectomy with some Twizzlers, I just want to clarify that I am not a bitter single woman living in New York City upset because all the men are gay, into white and Spanish girls, incarcerated, depressed, live with their mother or are looking for God. Yes, all of those reasons play a factor into why I am single, but I’m not mad about it. I am just an average joe pissed off that it’s a recession and I can’t get my twelve bucks back and put it toward necessities like rent or Jack Daniel’s.

But I digress. I didn’t hate it as much as I wanted to, it was well-acted and it had its heartfelt moments, nor am I as mad at it like I was CNN’s Black In America. But there were too many cheesy and pathetic moments happening on the screen and in the theater. All of which led me to boo LOUDLY when the credits started rolling. (My girls can vouche for this)

So in PopGumbo tradition, I must crap all over it. Here we go:

  • Are we really that pathetic? I mean, I know that many of us are so desperate for love, but are we this desperate? Random drive-by’s, calling and hanging up, analzying every last thing that a man says, acting a damn fool, jumping 5 steps ahead? Wait, yes we are this pathetic. Maybe this hit too close to home and that’s why I am uncomfortable. LOL
  • I am the only one who is tired of Scarlett’s big boobs-pouty lips seductress shit? Yes, she’s curvy , hot and sounds like she has been smoking Newports since she was 12– WE GET IT. But c’mon, when is she gonna play the Gigi-type character-the unfuckable one with thin-lips? Now, that’s what I call acting.
  • Is it counterproductive for movie that criticizes society for lying to women about men, to have an ending based on shit that never would happen in real life, hence lying to women again? As much as this movie called out the nonsense, it ended with the nonsense as well. The woman, these dating urban legends–the man who never cried marriage, all of sudden proposes, or the mister I never give a shit, starts giving a shit and becomes totally pressed about a pathetic girl cause she checked him about his mental deficiencies. Trust, if that’s all it took, we all would be boo’d up, cause I have had the whole, “You are dead inside” conversation NUMEROUS TIMES and the response have all been, “And..I know this shit already?” This movie only gives women false hope that shit is magically going to change when dealing with crazy–it doesn’t. When a man shows and tells you that he doesn’t want kids EVER, doesn’t want to get married EVER, that he needs a blow job everyday and he needs you to fulfill that requirement–HE MEANS IT and he is not deviating from that stance. So run Jenny, cause you in danger girl!
  • Where were the folks of color? Yes, there were black folks–the dude with the Coogie sweater, the African hut women, the random hook up chic and the two Nell Carter-looking women who were as sexy as a stick of butter talking about ribs and ice cream. I almost forgot Wilson Cruz’s creamy-licious self, but they were all stereotypes–SURPRISE! Guess it was too much to have characters of color to be main characters. Now, maybe I am naive to think that people of different races hang out with each other in big cities, but I have seen The Wire and Homicide: Life on The Streets, so I know the Baltimore’s surroundings has some black, Latinos and etc. Get a hint from Love Actually, you can have interracial dating be natural and common without turning it into Jungle Fever.
  • Why were the women in the theater acting like damn crack heads waiting for this shit to provide a fix? Look, women were in there acting like Angelina Jolie was giving classes on how to get your coworker to fall in love with you. It’s just a damn movie, there is no need to be 1.)running to get a seat, 2.)taking notes like this shit is real 3.)or oohing and ohhing when Ben Affleck gave Jennifer Aniston that ring. 4.)Going over which scenes almost made you cry when leaving with theater with your friends. ( This really happened.)
  • If the movie had been made by Tyler Perry, it would have been called Girl, Stop Playing Yourself ; Why You So Thirsty, He Only Works in Retail; or Your Relationship is Only As Sane As The Two Mofos In it: Ok, that’s more a statement but I had to put it somewhere.

Look, I know that this is chick flick and no, I wasn’t expecting Milk or The Reader-like performances and plots, and yes in the midst of a recession people need an escape, but damn, try a little harder–not all of us are stupid, just most of us. There is a way to craft a romantic comedy without Julia Roberts and not have people leave feeling like they just had a lobotomy.

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