Culture


(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is about Justin Beiber, but his bangs annoy the hell out me every week…carry on)

Here are five things that irked the hell out of me this week:

  • Sista Gurl get your curtsey on. No, the Queen isn’t coming, The “extinct successful black man” is gracing you with his bullshit:

 Another article, another reminder of how unfuckable and unlovable we are. This time, it’s Vibe’s turn to step in the shit. In an as told to piece, Rapper Slim Thug—no, you are not alone, I can’t name his last album either—unloaded his anger towards his mother for not breastfeeding him as a child warned black women to be more like white women if they want to have black mates. He said:

 “Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more.”cooking and being down for they man moret cooking and being down for they man more…”

I cannot. Negro, go sit down somewhere. Like I am going to take dating advice from someone whose name is Slim Thug (though you kinda fat), has really never dated a quality woman (only skrippers with red lace fronts and 3 different baby daddies) and has admitted to having serious issues being faithful in relationships.

Instead of popping off at the mouth spreading more misogynistic fuckery, why not just do what all Z- list celebs do when questioning their relevancy? Leak your own sex tape.  Thanks in advance.

  • Jada Pinkett, stop using your kids to prove you are the cool! Isn’t being a swinger enough? We get it, you different.

 We all saw poor little Willow Smith at the premiere of her brother’s movie rocking what looked like a mix of Lady Gaga, Neo from The Matrix with a splash of Mr. T. I can’t. Yeah this might have been somewhat okay if she was 19, not 9. She is not old enough to make an educated decision on looking like a hot ass mess yet.

 I don’t know if it’s the fame, the feeling that they are invincible, the obsession with media attention, or the Scientology, but these damn celeb parents keep playing Barbie and Ken with their kids and I am getting tired of it. IT’S NOT CUTE.  

From Mel B giving her 3-year old a Mohawk with shaved sides, to Katie Holmes’s toddler Suri rocking heels and NO COAT in the winter, to Angelina Jolie dying her kids’ hair all different colors. When will this stop? I am all for allowing a child to explore their creativity and be who they are, but these damn kids are not asking for this, they can barely tell you where their nose is.  

If any Hollywood child is asking for something, it’s baby Zahara begging for Brad to hire a live-in hairdresser. She is tired of looking like a runaway slave.

  • The whackest shows of all time—One Tree Hill, Supernatural, and 90210—continue to get renewed, but The Game is still MIA?

 This isn’t really a new concept, but I saw some commercial on CW for another teen show, full of white kids, based on the same concept of Gossip Girl AND GOT PISSED. The Game was a great show, funny, entertaining , not to mention Coby Bell is an Adonis. And now we have to wait till 2015 probably waiting for EBT BET to get it together and get their money right.

 It’s funny how the origins of CW made their money off black comedies and now there isn’t one left in sight. Television is looking more and more like Anaheim, CA, people.

  •  Who are the “average Americans” surveyed for Facebook’s “Family Feud” game? Cult members? Jesus Freaks? People who think fine dining is Red Lobster?

 Maybe I am just way too New York to excell at this game,  cause I only make it the Bonus Round like once every four games.

What do you mean things that people do in the morning before anyone gets up does not include smoking, reading Media Takeout or preparing for the walk of shame back to your apartment? Apparently, this is the time when people workout and pray and have sex with their cousins.

 This game is not about how smart you are, or reasonable, it’s about how West Virginia you can be.

  •  Helena Andrews’ memoir “Bitch is The New Black” came out last week:  

Ugh. Normally, I would have a lot to say about this, but I am exercising my right to remain silent. Wouldn’t want to be accused of having the right to have a fucking opinion when people suck bringing another black woman down.

 It’s cool though. I’ll just let these three do it for me.

 Book Review: Helena Andrews Has A Quarter-Life Crisis In “Bitch Is the New Black”

 Thirsty is the New Black

Rebuttal: Bitch is The New Black

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300_41308I mean, everybody wants to the next Obama Girl or summin’, but this is just getting out of control. The New York Times reports that two Domino’s employees thought it would be funny to put boogers on pizzas, video tape it and it put it online. Instead of getting dap from the cyber world, all hell broke loose:

When two Domino’s Pizza employees filmed a prank in the restaurant’s kitchen, they decided to post it online. In a few days, thanks to the power of social media, they ended up with felony charges, more than a million disgusted viewers, and a major company facing a public relations crisis.

In videos posted on YouTube and elsewhere this week, a Domino’s employee in Conover, N.C., prepared sandwiches for delivery while putting cheese up his nose, nasal mucus on the sandwiches, and violating other health-code standards while a fellow employee provided narration.

The two were charged with delivering prohibited foods.

By Wednesday afternoon, the video had been viewed more than a million times on YouTube. References to it were in five of the 12 results on the first page of Google search for “Dominos,” and discussions about Domino’s had spread throughout Twitter.

This is why the majority of meals are prepared at home–so i know it’s my OWN boogers on my food–NASTY BITCHES. If these fools go to jail, how are they going to explain that to their cell mate?

“Uh, I’m here because me and my coworker pretended to put boogers on a pepperoni and mushroom pizza and then we posted it on YouTube. Why are you here?”

” I decapitated my neighbor for yelling at my dog.”

“Sweet.”

I hope they get their tails whooped everyday in the slammer.

This is why people need to really think about what they post online, cause EVERYBODY AND THEY MOMMA IS EITHER TWITTERING, FACEBOOKING IT AND YOUTUBIN’ IT, OR WHATEVER ELSE IS HOT IN THE STREETS. What did they think was going to happen? People were going to laugh and keep it moving? Did they think Steve Colbert was going to invite them on his show or something? Actually, these hillbillies probably don’t even have cable–they would probably be happy if they were on Maury.

Why in the hell would you jeopardize your damn job-in the midst of the worse recession this country has ever seen–over some 15-minutes of fame nonsense? What low-IQ person George W. Bush would find that amusing? It’s cool though, there are 15 Harvard grads in the area already lined up waiting to take their jobs anyway, so maybe it all worked out. Meanwhile, Domino’s stocks are plummeting, they are being bombarded with complaints and the poor president of the company had to send an email apologizing to folks–you know Pizza Hut and Poppa Johns are happy as hell right now.

012762_11The Boomerang soundtrack was the ish, but this song was the STANDOUT! PM Dawn was always a little strange, with their flower power mantra and hippie glasses. Not quite the mold of black masculinity at that time–Public Enemy, X-hats and “By Any Means Necessary, that’s probably why I loved them so….. I had this crush on this boy–who will remain nameless and you couldn’t have told me that this song was not written for me and my teen angst. I was a tortured soul even back in 1992.

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I mean, yes we ALL MUST WRAP IT UP and clearly the message isn’t being heard, given the soaring rates of HIV infections around the world. So what does Germany do? Try to scare the hell out of you to not raw dog it by conjuring up emotions of guilt, oppression and mass extinction: Don’t bring the next Hitler into the world. Use a condom.

Slate blogger Willa Paskin writes: A truly astounding series of German condom advertisements are making the rounds this morning—each features a sketch of a sperm made to look like Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden or Mao Zedong. Their not so subtle message being, “Better wrap it up… unless you want to bring evil into the world!” The ads are arresting and hilarious, but the self-flagellation inherent in them strikes me as being distinctly German: I can’t imagine many American dudes susceptible to the suggestion that their sperm wear swastikas, or, to use a more purely American parallel, KKK outfits. (Obviously, their sperm have 90 mile an hour fastballs, good looks and a working familiarity with the art of the deal). It’s a dark take on procreation, informed by an everyday awareness that people can go really, really bad. Of course, people can go good as well, and I almost expect to see these images re-purposed for an anti-condom or pro-life campaign, with sperm made to look like Jesus, Abe Lincoln or Martin Luther King Jr.

What ever happened to just showing pictures of the woman with the cauliflower vagina or the man with bumpy penis to “remind” people of the dangers of unprotected sex? Why you gotta go and get all “George W. Weapons of Mass Destruction” with it? Why you gotta get all Schlinder’s List on it? Now I gotta to worry about HIV and carrying in my womb the next HORRENDOUS murderous dictator who is capable of blowing up things and killing people for fun? C’mon now.

The ads are slightly funny, but a mess nonetheless.

See the rest here.

paulwalker8Say what you must, I don’t give a damn! This white boy from the Fast and the Furious franchise LOOKS GOOD! I know he’s this millennium’s version of Keanu Reeves….I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH THAT, especially given how I would strip in the streets if that’s what it took for Keanu to even look at me.

Walker is the epitome of Nebraska-looking loving. I have yet to see him close up, which is fine FOR NOW. I remember junior year in college, my BFF Emily came to visit me at Michigan and we went to the mall movie theater to see She’s All That and this Adonis played the jerk. When he came to pick Lacey up for the prom and he walked in her parents living room with that tux on….EVERY YOUNG GIRL GASPED like someone had touched their hmm mmm for the first time–Myself included! Paul was the first celebrity I ever cyber-stalked..oh the memories!

Peep my boy:

Who are the people that create these YouTube montages? I mean I am not knocking them, they just do all of my stalker work for me. I just want to know.

angels-baby-rib-crop-tee-baby-blue-groupieSo do you have low-self esteem? Don’t want to use any real talents other than giving mind-blowing fellatio and using your vagina for cash and “security”? Chase whoever is poppin’ bottles at the club? Great, cause now you have a web sight to validate your whorish behavior. ENTER the blog Tales From A Groupie: The Guidebook to Legal Prostitution Being A Groupie. My girl Shavon brought this to my attention and I am utterly flabbergasted.

This websight allows for women and men to post their nasty-ass tales of fuckery with athletes, rappers and actors and it gives advice to groupies that will help them navigate their skanky world better. Seriously, there are like q&A’s with these people with photographs of who they conquered.

Here’s my personal favorite:

Chris Wilcox

How was he in bed?

Chris and I had one encounter and that was all I could take. It was while he was playing for the clippers. And man let me tell you, this man has the Biggest D*ck I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s like a typical ball player. Straight to the point, no time for BS. Put it like this, his d*ck was so big, I couldn’t even wrap my hand around it!!! It is basically the size of a newborn and I could not take it all the while we f*cked (because trust that what he did) I screamed out in pain. I have never once ran from d*ck, but man he was pulling me back like no other. I could not wait for it to be done. After that I would see him around and I went the other way. I was scared that he would ask to hit it again because my answer would be a long drawn out NO!!!

What would you rate him?
Chris isn’t bad in bed at all. He is a beast, as far as d*ck size so I’ll say 3-4 outta 5, but I wouldn’t f*ck him again because it’s like having a baby and that sh*t hurts
[NO COMMENT ON THAT ONE]
Another fave:
Groupie Tip of The Day: Be Easy
Not just “easy” in the sexual sense, but easygoing. Don’t fret over bullshit like stayin’ out too late or eating that infamous ‘fourth meal’. You know the meal that is to late to be dinner, and to early to be breakfast? Yep, that one. Keep in mind, nobody wants to hang around a uptight bitch. As much as being with this celebrity may be a fantasy for you, it’s a break from reality for him too. Don’t be that overbearing, naggin’ chick that doesn’t know how to chill the hell out. Keep things on your own terms, and try not to appear desperate. Remember, they’re human just like you and as with most things, less is always more; it keeps them guessing.

What I want to know is that if you are a groupie, how you going to act like you are a number one? You are a vessel for this man to penetrate, nothing more, and there isn’t anything less to be. So how you gonna demand to be treated well or want something like RESPECT? A mess.

Can someone tell me what does having sex with an athlete do for you? Does your property value go up? Do you feel prettier than you normally would if you had sex with a REGULAR MAN who might actually call you back? Do these men pay your rent or something? I am not sure if this is all lies, if the creator is making a point by making fun of these girls without them knowing it or she might be working on her PhD in anthropology, but either way she is only letting these girls think this behavior is cool and its not.

I will say that if the economy gets any worse, I might be taking some pointers from these chics…KIDDING…sort of. I’m gonna ride out this writing career, having a Master’s Degree thing and see where it takes me….

meghan_mccainI knew when this heifer was on The View and other silly shows talking about the devil bitch Ann Coulter and other uninteresting topics, she was up to something. Well I was right. The New York Observer reports that Hyperion is publishing Ms. McCain’s book and is writing her a 6-figure check for it–like she really needs it.

John McCain’s 24-year-old daughter Meghan has a book deal! Sources say Hyperion has prevailed over at least three other publishers in an auction that began earlier this week, following a round of meetings during which the in-your-face young conservative and the literary agent she shares with her father, Sterling Lord Literistic president Flip Brophy, discussed a number of possible approaches to the book with editors around town.

Several sources said the advance Ms. McCain will receive from Hyperion, which is owned by the Disney Company, is in the high six figures.

While we haven’t quite nailed down what Ms. McCain’s book will be about—no one at Hyperion nor Ms. Brophy returned calls this afternoon—if her recent columns for Tina Brown and Barry Diller’s Web site The Daily Beast are any indication, it will probably have something to do with the future of the Republican party, and how it must change to attract the votes of modern young people.

YAWN! Hey Meghan, why not give that money to the families whose loved-ones are fighting in the war that your senile father voted for. Honestly, don’t we have enough boring blonde women with nothing to say writing books nowadays? I am WAY more interested in reading a book from the other McCain daughter, the Indian one they treat like one of the kidnapped kids from The People Under The Stairs. That would be a page-turner.

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