Is it just me or has the media given a lot of attention to black women and their hair over the recent years. I swear every time I click on Bossip or Clutch, I am reading about the biggest Afro ever, or women crying about having their afros frisked and patted down at the airport, or mothers are going natural to show their daughters that its ok to be nappy., Hell, it seems like every week the New York Times is pumping out an article about somebody’s natural hair and somebody’s blog about natural hair. Now MTV is trying to get their piece of the Miss Jessie’s pie.

They have put out a casting call to find black women to tell their going natural stories for their show True Life–you know MTV’s rendition of hard-hitting journalism exploiting stupid people who want to be famous. Well my girl Tracie hit me up joking if I were to call send in a tape, given that I am month 14 into my transition, and thank you Jesus, I still have hair on my head and the shit hasn’t broken all the way off. (Thank you heavy duty protein treatments)

Now of course, I told her no. 1.) I am too old for MTV and those kids would just suck their teeth, roll their eyes and just turn on Love and Hip Hop and watch those hens cluck it out before they would listen to my damn India Arie love yourself , fuck the Kardashians mantra.

2.)When it comes to my hair, there is no drama. I wash it, condition it, detangle it,  pull it back, put a scarf on it and the shit lays for most of the whole day. If I want to straighten, the Dominicans do that. I just struggle with moderate breakage. I am not going through some back to Africa to moment,  no one is telling me I look like Aunt Jemima or Celie from the Color Purple or making fun on my choices,  and I have yet to get caught up in my bathroom with a bowl of well mixed Mizani Butter Blends begging my roommate to talk me down from relaxing my shit bone straight.

But if I know anything about reality TV, black folks and the obsession with natural/kinky/curly/nappy hair, I am predicting the three people that the casting directors will choose:

  1. The biracial chick whose black father is MIA and she is stuck in the middle of Indiana in a rural white community where no one gets her and the only hair product they have for black hair within the next 50 mile radius is Murray’s pomade…and the idea of Hair Rules is a mere pipedream…shit the town JUST found out of what JAM was…..good luck Bethany growing out that Just for me...Likelihood that she will remain natural: High. Cause once someone introduces her to the Chi flat iron and a YouTube channel tutorial, her hair will be slanging like a Beyonce lacefront.
  2. The spunky cheerleader who probably went to Spelman or Howard or some other HBCU, she wears pearls, goes to church every Sunday and has big plans on marrying her high school sweetheart who only wants two things from her: For her to to always make him a plate before she makes her own and 2.) Just be pretty , quiet and keep that weave in. Oh, also she comes from money and a mother (with an attitude that resembles Whitley Gilbert’s mom) who permed her hair the second a wave came in–so every 6 weeks.  Now this girl breaks up with that boy,  comes home for Thanksgiving with an Issa Rae haircut and her boogie ass mom goes ballistic…Pass the potatoes folks, it’s not going to be pretty. Likelihood that she will remain natural: It’s a Toss Up. She might lose her inheritance for staying true to herself or because her family now thinks that she is a lesbian. But if she can tough it out, let her hair grow in some and master the art of the twist-out using something from the Uncle Funky’s Daughter product line, she might be saved. But this one is weak as hell, if the family doesn’t come around, she might consider relaxing again.
  3. The cute chic, whose hair drama unfortunately plays out like Pecola from The Bluest Eye. She lives for Curly Nikki and Long Hair Care Forums and spends her life dreaming of 3c curls and asking people what her hair type is. They tell her 4C, she calls them “Haters.” And with her “I’ll show them attitude” she finally does the big chop, only to realize that her natural looks like taco meat. She freaks out,  but she is committed to getting what she wants, She goes into steep credit card debt, buying every new product, trying every new technique-shingling, braidouts, three strand twists to no avail...Likelihood that she will remain natural Not a Chance in Hell.  Girl, there are not enough products in the world to make your hair look like Mariah Carey circa “Vision of Love”. She gets way too frustrated with her shrinkage and dryness and the negative comments from her family, friends and potential men she wants to date. She lets their ignorance get her down and eventually she slaps some creamy crack back into her shit and swears she will never go natural again. “The hell with all you natural bitches.”

Fade to black, roll credits…up next…”Teenage Mom 2″

I mean, did I get it wrong? Who do you think MTV will pick?

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