Look I know it’s been awhile–I missed talking about Barack clinching the nomination and Jesse “Slave Mentality” Jackson slipping up on Faux News. Hey, I have been busy writing for a living. But after forcing myself to drink a bottle of Pino to get through CNN’s schizophrenic attempt to show what it is like to be colored in this country, I have emerged from the Batcave.

The show was a hot tranny mess.

And it wasn’t a mess because my small little scene was cut out (I was in the background doing what I do best, drinking wine). Nor am I am hating because I received a half-assed email telling me that my RSVP for the public screening at the CNN building was denied (they sent it at 2am, thinking we would be asleep).

My main issue was the following: If they had 18 months to find the most complex and most INTERESTING people, complete access to every black expert in the U.S. to shed a complex light on our issues and enough Time Warner money to buy and sell our ashy asses, can someone explain why did this boring, uninspiring “crockumentary” look like it was thrown together in two weeks on an EBT card? Maybe that’s truly black in America.

I also pondered the following while screaming at my television:

  • Why was Soledad trying to convince educated folks that the black woman who spawned the black Rand clan was not a slave? Let’s just think about it: Can you name a black woman who was born in like 1830 who lived in Texas of all places and was not owned by someone? I’ll give you a moment…Time’s up. NEVER. Never in the history of anything. I mean if she wasn’t a slave, what was she, a friend? The town mayor? She was a slave and it was insulting to see that black woman grinning like damn Kizzy holding a picture of a man who probably raped and abused her great-great grandmother, acting like she was proud! I am not saying she had to drop bows on the white side of the family and demand they pay her reparations. Just be real with us. Maybe I’m wrong, I just have a Master’s Degree in African American Studies from Columbia. What the hell do I know?
  • If it was called Black Women and Family, why were there so little black women in the damn two hours? Where were the conversations about sexism? Rape, sexual abuse and sexual harassment? Self-esteem, low wages, colorism, images in the media, hip-hop, the growing number of black women who are incarcerated or maybe even lesbians (GASP)? Give me a damn break, but I am subjected to an uppity Terry McMillan-looking screenwriter who can’t find a good black man—sweetie none of us can. (Sigh.) Even in a documentary about us, we are still forced to take a backseat. I bet you tonight’s The Black Man won’t have a vagina in sight.
  • Why was the economist Harvard professor who believes that paying ‘Keishya and ‘dem’ to learn, commenting on matters outside of his intellectual jurisdiction? The reason we are dying has less to do with salt sensitivity and more with consuming CHITTERLINGS AND PIGSFEET! Brotha fall back and stick to passing out cell phones to kids who can successfully add 4 plus 4.
  • Why was the lady from Harlem lying about not having access to vegetables? She told Soledad that if she wanted fresh veggies she had to go to 110th street and that she had a better chance of getting a gun than a tomato. DRAMATIC. Boo, I lived in Harlem for 5 years. What about Key Foods on 125th or the other one across from New York Sports Club or the Pathmark on 125th OR 145th street or the other little stores in the hood. Look I am not saying that the quality of produce in Harlem matches Whole Foods in Midtown Manhattan, but let’s stop acting like Harlem is a remote island miles away from civilization. Especially since white people have taken over damn near every part of Harlem, finding a tomato is as easy as walking down 125th and hearing “Hair braided Miss?”

Whew, I am done for now, I feel like a different person. If I think of anything I will update.

Dear CNN,

You must be a damn fool if you thought that black folks were supposed to be passing out like Barack Obama kissed us on the lips, because you decided to pay us some attention. Please, the episode of Gimme A Break! where Nell had to school Sam on why dressing up in black face was insensitive, gave me more insight on issues of race, gender and poverty than last night’s spectacle. Listen up: there’s no “A” for effort for making this bullshit. Clearly, you aren’t black, because if you were, you would have known better.