images-4.jpegIn my new series, Anthropology Lessons, I will be making my usual smart-ass comments about human behavior. First up, men and texting. Before 2007, the men that I dealt with actually picked up the phone and called me to get to know more about me, tell me how their day is going, or ask if I wanted to meet up for a drink. I maybe sent a text 5 times a year back in the day.

But then 2007 rolled around and texting replaced normal conversation–IT TOOK OVER. Texting me to discuss why rent in New York is so high, asking will Obama run for president in 2008, apologizing for being on E the night before, apologizing for being M.I.A. for a date. Just last month, a dude who I am not dating, but had a weird unresolved thing with texted me, “Hey. Happy Valentine’s Day.” What in the hell? I get it, he felt obligated and didn’t want to look like an asshole by forgetting, But texting, why bother? If you don’t want to hear my voice on a holiday, leave me alone. Please.

I thought this was just my problem, but the more and more I talk to my girlfriends, I am learning that this is becoming an epidemic. My one friend, I will call her Taneisha was over on Friday night and told me about this dude who is kinda sorta seeing, I will call him “30, single and no kids.” Good guy, but he is addicted to “the texting.” That is all he does, but when the two do talk, they have amazing conversations that last hours, so it’s not like he can’t form sentences and enunciate vowels, so we are confused as to what the problem is. Matter of fact while we were talking about his ass, ge texted her at 1:45am to ask her “WAS SHE STILL AWAKE.” Why not just call? Are you lazy? Do we talk to too much? What?

Then I am hearing that women are getting broken up on texts–OH HELL NO!

Men listen up:

  • Just because we text you back doesn’t mean we are cool with it–we feel that if we don’t partake, we would never “talk” to you at all.
  • TEXTING IS ONLY FOR THE FOLLOWING: to know where someone is; to ask if someone is on their way; something cute like “I miss you”; can you pick up something from the store; and something that you can’t say out loud (it can be sexual or something like you want to drop bows on someone at work for coming out of their mouth)
  • If you have to ask yourself, “I don’t think texting this is appropriate”, MOST LIKELY IT’S NOT.
  • If your texting session lasts more than 4 back and forths, YOU NEED TO PUT DOWN THE PS3, PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND MAKE A CALL.
  • If you MUST text for a lengthy amount of time, please know that it DOES NOT CONSTITUTE PUTTING IN TIME OR GOING ON A DATE.
  • DO NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR TRY TO CONFRONT US IN A TEXT– It’s passive aggressive.
  • DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR TRIFFLIN’ ASS BEHAVIOR IN A TEXT–It’s cowardly.
  • Don’t ever tell your girl that you love her for the first time in a text–That’s GHETTO.

I understand we are all busy, juggling things and we don’t have a lot of time to have five hour conversations about everything damn thing, but c’mon, have some respect and put in some work.

BTW: Jamie Hector from The Wire is exempt from the rules of the conversation above. Baby, you can text me all day long, blow up my phone with your thoughts about global warming, the economy or whatever you like. It’s all good.

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