In my new series, “The Negro Please” Award, I will honor my people—African Americans—for doing outrageous, idiotic, and just plain stupid shit. The first recipient of this prestigious accolade goes to Conservative Republican Alan Keyes for deciding that it was a good idea to run for president…again.

He exclaimed:

“We’re putting together an effort that’s not going to be like anything before, because it’s going to be entirely based on citizen action. We’re going to be challenging people to take a pledge for America’s revival.” Crazy He also said, “The one thing I’ve always been called to do is to raise the standard . . . of our allegiance to God and His authority that has been the foundation stone of our nation’s life.”

Mr. Keyes,

Okay, first of all other than black republican should be an oxymoron, why don’t you learn your lesson? NOBODY IS GOING TO VOTE FOR YOU! I don’t even know what state you are from. Last time around, you got like 3 votes: your own, your wife, and your momma. You have a better chance of winning the Powerball and getting struck by lightening on the SAME DAY, than being the leader of the “Free” World . Stop wasting other people’s money and my time.

Please tell us what this “thing that we have never seen before” that will supposedly “revive America” is going to be. Because a political movement based on uber-conservative right-wing bullshit values that are anti affirmative action, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-Teletubbies, anti-environment, anti-equality anti-feminist, anti-universal health care, anti-poor, pro-war, pro-hypocrisy, pro-Big Pharm, HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE. That type of platform got us into the shit that we are in now.

Do you live under a rock? Citizens of the United States have shifted more to the middle. Let me jog your memory…2006 elections…red states, voting blue…Democrats taking back Congress by having moderates in the forefront…first female speaker.

Plus sweetie, even rednecks don’t like fathers who disown kids, even if they are gay. Alan, you better suck that shit up and do a Cheney: deny, grin and bear it.

If I were you, I would pull out immediately, retire, move to St. Augustine, and take up golf and fishing. It has worked wonders for my parents.


Wanna nominate someone? Leave a comment and a link to their incident.