Study #1: Married ladies, don’t keep your feelings bottled up, it’s bad for you.

A new study claims that women who force themselves to stay quiet during arguments are four times more likely to die and suffer more from depression and irritable bowel syndrome than women who verbally fight back. Dr. Elaine D. Eaker, the study’s lead researcher believes that this “self silencing” may have provided an evolutionary survival advantage long ago, but now this method has become a necessity for abused women. Eaker and her colleagues looked at 3, 682 men and women who were in their 40s and 50s and followed them for 10 years.

Although, this may be the first study to measure behavior, heart disease, and mortality in the context of marital relationships, is this really news? Keeping feelings of resentment, disappointment, and pure anger inside we all know is not good for you. It can take a toll on you–that’s why everybody is in therapy or on some kind of antidepressant or they watch Oprah everyday. I will admit that I didn’t know that it could cause constipation.

Now, I do wish they would have been more clear about being silent “may have been an evolutionary advantage” back in the day. What does that mean? Was that when men were allowed to beat women over the head with clubs? When shutting up was the difference between you living and dying? I understand that there are women in abusive relationships, but I need Eaker to flush her other theories out a bit. Because I’m thinking it’s called sexism.

Oh well, if speaking your mind means living longer, then I will never die! Excellent! But I need to get married first. There is always a catch.

Study #2: Children think anything wrapped in Micky D’s paper tastes better

A recent study finds that pre-schoolers believe food wrapped in McDonalds’ paper tastes better—even if it is non-fast food like carrots or apple juice. Sixty-three children from San Mateo County in northern California were asked to taste test identical foods, one covered in golden arches paper and one in unmarked paper and the unmarked items lost out every time. Head researcher Dr. Tom Robinson said the tots’ perception of taste was “physically altered by the branding.” Coincidentally, this study was released soon after more than a dozen food and drink companies, including McDonald’s, promised to cut back on advertising to children 12 and under.

Is this really surprising? Yeah, yeah, McDonald’s ads are so powerful that they can bamboozle little kids. But, kids will believe anything. I bet those same pre-schoolers would have also told researchers that they believe in the tooth fairy and that digging in their butt and eating boogers in public is OK.

Their lack of ability to reason only shows why it is a parent’s job to choose what their child eats, regardless if the “golden arches” are telepathically sending messages that say “Come and eat me.” Why are we acting like toddlers have spending money?

Other non-shocking health studies:Seniors have active sex lives,” “Deer hunting may put men’s heart at risk“and “White Youth Happier than Black and Latinos.”

Why can’t money go to finding out why in the hell everyone has cancer, or why a Twinkie can be dipped in acid and nothing happens to it, or why haven’t microbicides passed a single clinical trial?