In the September issue of the second most popular fashion bible, Elle, Oscar nominee and notorious bachelor Terrance Howard told his interviewer that the cleanliness of a woman’s vagina is a crucial factor in choosing a mate:

“Toilet paper – and no baby wipes – in the bathroom. If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go in a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”

Dear Mr. Howard,

On top of debating whether or not I should purchase a long and luxurious Beyonce-style lacefront, worrying if I am light-skinned enough and being viewed as a “nappy headed hoe” every time I walk down Fifth Avenue, I now have to be consumed with feelings of guilt that wiping front to back is not enough.

Sir, I have a job, articles to write and New York rent to pay—I cannot worry about how my “Hmm mmm” smells all day, nor can I tolerate a lesson from you about what to use to stay fresh. Do you use wipes? Do your balls smell like clean linen? I think not. Honestly, that is what you should be concerned with.

Look, I understand that you are upset that your ex-wife refuses to take you back, and Halle Berry and Gabrielle Union won’t return your phone calls, but please stop taking out your insecurities and your anal retentiveness on the rest of us.

Remember who supported you with all of that “It’s Hard Out There For A Pimp” nonsense. Wait, that wasn’t me. Never mind.

Much love,