Look I know it’s been awhile–I missed talking about Barack clinching the nomination and Jesse “Slave Mentality” Jackson slipping up on Faux News. Hey, I have been busy writing for a living. But after forcing myself to drink half a bottle of Pino to get through CNN’s schizophrenic attempt to show what it is like to be colored in this country, I have emerged from the Batcave.

The show was a hot tranny mess.

And it wasn’t a mess because my small little scene was cut out (I was in the background doing what I do best, drinking wine). Nor am I am hating because I received a half-assed email telling me that my RSVP for the public screening at the CNN building was denied (they sent it at 2am, thinking we would be asleep).

My main issue was the following: If they had 18 months to find the most complex and most INTERESTING people, complete access to every black expert in the U.S. to shed a complex light on our issues and enough Time Warner money to buy and sell our ashy asses, can someone explain why did this boring, uninspiring “crockumentary” look like it was thrown together in two weeks on an EBT card? Maybe that’s truly black in America.

I also pondered the following while screaming at my television:

• Why was Soledad trying to convince educated folks that the black woman who spawned the black Rand clan was not a slave? Let’s just think about it: Can you name a black woman who was born in like 1830 who lived in Texas of all places and was not owned by someone? I’ll give you a moment…Time’s up. NEVER. Never in the history of anything. I mean if she wasn’t a slave, what was she, a friend? The town mayor? She was a slave and it was insulting to see that black woman grinning like damn Kizzy holding a picture of a man who probably raped and abused her great-great grandmother, acting like she was proud! I am not saying she had to drop bows on the white side of the family and demand they pay her reparations. Just be real with us. Maybe I’m wrong, I just have a Master’s Degree in African American Studies from Columbia. What the hell do I know?

• If it was called Black Women and Family, why were there so little black women in the damn two hours? Where were the conversations about sexism? Rape, sexual abuse and sexual harassment? Self-esteem, low wages, colorism, images in the media, hip-hop, the growing number of black women who are incarcerated or maybe even lesbians (GASP)? Give me a damn break, but I am subjected to an uppity Terry McMillan-looking screenwriter who can’t find a good black man—sweetie none of us can. (Sigh.) Even in a documentary about us, we are still forced to take a backseat. I bet you tonight’s The Black Man won’t have a vagina in sight.

• Why was the economist Harvard professor who believes that paying ‘Keishya and ‘dem’ to learn, commenting on matters outside of his intellectual jurisdiction? The reason we are dying has less to do with salt sensitivity and more with consuming CHITTERLINGS AND PIGSFEET! Brotha fall back and stick to passing out cell phones to kids who can successfully add 4 plus 4.

• Why was the lady from Harlem lying about not having access to vegetables? She told Soledad that if she wanted fresh veggies she had to go to 110th street and that she had a better chance of getting a gun than a tomato. DRAMATIC. Boo, I lived in Harlem for 5 years. What about Key Foods on 125th or the other one across from New York Sports Club or the Pathmark on 125th OR 145th street or the other little stores in the hood. Look I am not saying that the quality of produce in Harlem matches Whole Foods in Midtown Manhattan, but let’s stop acting like Harlem is a remote island miles away from civilization. Especially since white people have taken over damn near every part of Harlem, finding a tomato is as easy as walking down 125th and hearing “Hair braided Miss?”

• Why was the Rand family so damn random popping up in the most awkward of times? We get it, they were the quintessential black family, but I am not interested in seeing the single black Rand on a date with someone who was probably her cousin—it just didn’t fit

• Who was the skinny brotha reciting the spoken word between segments? I mean, I guess that hip-hop  damn near defines our generation, but stop trying so hard to get street cred. And if you must, how about someone who is easily identified:  Kanye (he loves the attention), Weezy (the hottest rapper in the game) or a woman rapper (Eve, Missy, whoever else)? Not someone off the street.

Whew, I am done for now, I feel like a different person. If I think of anything I will update.

Dear CNN,

You must be a damn fool if you thought that black folks were supposed to be passing out like Barack Obama kissed us on the lips, because you decided to pay us some attention. Please, the episode of Gimme A Break! where Nell had to school Sam on why dressing up in black face was insensitive, gave me more insight on issues of race, gender and poverty than last night’s spectacle. Listen up: there’s no “A” for effort for making this bullshit. Clearly, you aren’t black, because if you were, you would have known better.

xoxox

KT

I know that many of us are so cynical that if a man were to recite a poem for us, we would purposely conjure up a stroke to get him to stop because we think he wants something like rent money. But, when Lorenz Tate did his whole “brotha to the night” back in the day, we thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.

Oh black love, how times have changed!

Well here he is, aka Darius Lovehall trying to get in Nina’s pants. You know it worked

For you, it is more than alright. Please, you had me at “Alright, this is a little something I have been working on.”

So while we are all dishing out 10 bucks to see Carrie get jilted at the alter in Sex and The City: The Movie, you can also dish out a few bucks to see the black drama, Life Love Soul. The movie, which is set to debut in June, is about a young high schooler who is dealing with mother and brother’s death, living with his estranged father and the trials and tribulations of being a teenager.

I know that some of you might be perplexed and want to ask,  “Kellee, what is a black drama?” Thanks to coon flicks like First Sunday and Soul Plane, “black” and “drama” seems as likely a pairing as “integrity” and “Hillary Clinton.”

The real deal is that my boo, Jamie Hector, plays the young boy’s teacher, Mr. Roundtree, Sigh. Man, why couldn’t Mr. Ross, my AP calc teacher, looked like Jamie? Yo, I would have been in his office EVERY DAY after school! The film also stars Sheryl Lee Ralph and Terry J. Vaughn.

Anyhoo, this is the trailer. Yes it is an indy film, so don’t trip on the quality, let’s celebrate the fact that we are not shucking and jiving.

In 2006, my best friend Emily and I stumbled across the movie C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America. This mockumentary, produced by Spike Lee and directed by Kevin Willmott, asks the question what would have happened if the South had won the Civil War? What would our culture look like? What would have happened to MLK? Or JFK? Barack would never have been born and I would be some master’s “girlfriend,” living in the big house getting abused by the Ms.

Luckily, the North did win.

C.S.A. is set up as a BBC-type documentary being shown on an American cable channel for the first time, with commercials that would be relevant for that time. Here are a few:

Rent it ASAP!

I know that there are a lot of black women who would never date a non-black man. That’s your business, you keep letting Essence pump that “one day your black prince will come” fairytale into your head. He might and he might not, but in the meantime, look around a bit, explore.  I did and I found Keanu Reeves. We are quite happy together.

I know he will never be an Oscar winner, he may not take showers every day and there are those gay rumors, but that has never stopped me before, he is fine!

I had fallen out of love with him , but he has been making a Kellee-comeback, especially with The Lake House a few years ago. After watching that, it was on and popping. I would have waited 10 years for him. 

Man! Only better with age.

Enjoy this montage of my man. 

You really can find anything on Youtube.

Hillary Clinton has come under fire for her remarks about not quitting the race by invoking the memory of RFK’s assassination. CNN.com reports the following:

Earlier Friday afternoon, she told the editorial board of the Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Argus Leader that “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don’t understand it,” she said.”

When the the media GOT ON HER FOR THIS, she stated the following:

“Earlier today, I was discussing the Democratic primary history and in the course of that discussion mentioned the campaigns that both my husband and Sen. Kennedy waged in California in June in 1992 and 1968, and I was referencing those to make the point that we have had nominating primary contests that go into June. That’s an historic fact.”

“The Kennedys have been much on my mind in the last days because of Sen. [Edward] Kennedy, and I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation and particularly for the Kennedy family was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever,”

Obama’s camp called the comments, “Unfortunate.”

Her and her “facts.”

So Hil, what was the historical significance of your statement? And how did it relate to your current situation? This is what I got from it: “I don’t know why people want me to quit, there is a chance that one of my racist hillbilly followers from the Appalachian states might go and bust a cap in Obama’s ass. And if that happens then YOU ARE ALL STUCK WITH ME!” God, she is as desperate as the woman in The Brothers who tried to kill Shemar Moore for breaking off their engagement.

She knew exactly what she was doing. Anytime a leader in the country challenged the status quo, they get offed: Lincoln, JKF, Malcolm and MLK. And she knows that black folks deep down are secretly scared that every time Obama gives a speech that someone is going to kill him. And now she is giving people ideas.

Hillary, if you don’t want to drop out of the race, that is your business. If you like being 20 million dollars in debt and being dogged out on every news station all-day long and having your own supporters state on record that you should drop out, then ride this out to see how far it might take you–sad in June when Obama is named the Presidential nominee. But keep the word “assassination” out your mouth when referring to anything about this election if you are not talking about the possibility of your own assassination. This is not a game.

It kills me how so many other feminists still don’t see through this nonsense. If I get one more generic e-mail from feminists groups demanding that we fight against the media’s role in sexist attacks against Clinton, I am going to vomit. I would like to see a woman president in my lifetime too, but not one who has to win an election by using undermining racist remarks and feelings of entitlement, riding off her husband’s coattails and just plain breaking the rules to make that happen.

An editor friend of mine told me that her former female boss said, “I have tried to be nice people (A LIE), but it doesn’t get you anywhere, that’s why you have to be a bitch. It’s what all the top editors do. Being a bitch gets you what you want.” Too bad this nut along with Clinton don’t realize that people only tolerate a bitch because they have to, but they never respect one.

“Girl i gotta go back home. I took the wrong laptop and I can’t do any work on this one. This is the one I watch porn on, and there ain’t a useful work document on it! LOL”

A handsome thirty-something man writes to his female friend explaining why he has to cut their gmail chat short.

HILARIOUS!

George “25 percent approval rating” Bush was passive aggressively attacking Barack Obama yesterday.

CNN.com wrote,

At Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration in Jerusalem, Bush said, “Some seem to believe that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along,” Mr Bush told the Knesset in Israel. “We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: ‘Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided’.”

Although Dubbya did not say Obama’s name, we all knew who he was talking about.

No worries though, Joseph Biden the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee held it down, telling reporters, “This is bulls**t. This is malarkey. This is outrageous. Outrageous for the president of the United States to go to a foreign country, sit in the Knesset … and make this kind of ridiculous statement.” He went on to say “He’s the guy who’s weakened us. He’s the guy that’s increased the number of terrorists in the world. His policies have produced this vulnerability the United States has.”

You know it’s bad when you got white folks cursing on record.

Bush listen up: For someone who doesn’t have the mental capacity to work the fry line at Chic Fillet, it boggles me as to why you have the audacity to be talking about “grown folks” stuff like foreign policy. Here’s a coloring book, now go sit at the kiddie table and keep Barack’s name out of your mouth.

Republicans are so desperate to hold on to power that they will say anything and make up anything in order to invoke fear in Americans. It’s really sad. But like Dukakis said, Barack is going to have to prepare himself because this type of GOP political lynching is only the beginning.

Watch, next week Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes will label Barack’s youngest daughter a racial separatist because they have a tape of her playing double dutch with other black girls at school? I can hear it now: “Where are her white friends? This behavior resembles that of Italian fascists! Is that the type of family you want in the White House?”

Rumor is Barack is going to address Bush’s statements. When he is done with Bush, Bush’s face is going to look as beat as Hillary’s was on Super Tuesday when she realized that maybe she shouldn’t have spent all of her money so soon

UPDATE: CNN.com reports that Barack blasted Bush this afternoon.

– Sen. Barack Obama slammed President Bush on Friday for launching “exactly the kind of appalling attack that’s divided our country and that alienates us from the world.”

He also took a shot at Sen. John McCain for “embracing” the president’s “attacks on Democrats,” and “suggesting that I wasn’t fit to protect this nation that I love.”

“So much for civility,” Obama said at a town hall meeting in Watertown, noting that McCain had talked about the need for civility in politics earlier Thursday……..”After almost eight years, I did not think I could be surprised about anything that George Bush says, but I was wrong,” Obama said.

“The president did something that presidents don’t do. That is launch a political attack targeted toward the domestic market in front of a foreign delegation,” he said.

And Scene…I bet Bush is in Cheney’s office having a tantrum wondering why Cheney made him make those comments in the first place.

Dear Senator Edwards,

At this point in the game, I don’t care what your motives are–VP spot, want to be part of the in-crowd, etc.-but thank you for stepping up and endorsing Barack yesterday. I must admit that you are about three months late on this one. I am not quite sure what you were waiting for, because after Super Tuesday you should have been the first one on Anderson Cooper 360 publicly sipping on that Obama Kool-Aid with Donna Brazile and Rolan Martin. But no use harping on old stuff, you finally came to your senses, which is a blessing, because we need you.

The last Northern Democrat to win the general election, I believe was JKF, so your Southern influence is huge. Plus, we need votes from the “hardworking white people” that Clinton claims Obama hasn’t convinced and word on the street is that you’re down with them folks.

So once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

xoxoxox

KT

P.S. If she hasn’t already, there is a good chance that Hillary will call you and cuss you out like she did Bill Richardson when he endorsed Obama back in March. My advice: If an unfamiliar or blocked number pops up on your caller ID, DON’T ANSWER IT!

Can someone tell me this: Why a grown woman would celebrate her “love story” at an amusement park? They remind me of a 90s high school couple going to Great America after the senior prom, minus the matching Cross Color outfits. [If you are from the Midwest, don’t even front like you don’t know what I am talking about.)

This charade is upsetting me. Not because I am single and bitter, but because it’s another example of fake Black Hollywood love that is forced down our throats. We see it with Denzel and Paulette, we saw it with Essence’s cover of Kim and Diddy and now these fools, who just met five minutes ago and now are madly in love. The spectacle of it all.

Honest love my ass. Please, Diddy has a better chance of convincing me that he is finally going to marry Kim than Mariah does of proving that her nuptials are not a scam.

This reminds me of an episode of Sex and The City, when Bitsy Von Muffling, a middle-aged socialiate sent Carrie a wedding announcement stating she was marrying Bobby Fine, a known gay piano bar singer. Miranda says:

“We’re adults, we can handle it. Bitsy should say ‘I am getting older and want companionship’ and Bobby should say,”the hot guys just don’t go for me anymore.’ But to print out invitations and call it love, like love transforms people and molecules…well that’s just bullshit.”

Mariah just say no one else wants to mess with you anymore because you are proven certifiable and Nick just admit that you staying relevant has become increasingly difficult ever since…well the beginning of your career. If the two of you don’t agree with my assesments, fine, admit to something else and stop lying to educated people.

Meanwhile gay couples who actually love each other and have children together still can’t get married in most states, but I can marry my second cousin if I wanted to. Something doesn’t seem right about that.