Attention Black Girls: MTV Wants You, (Not in a VH1-esque Embarrass the Whole Black Race Way), but to Share Your Going Natural Story

Is it just me or has the media given a lot of attention to black women and their hair over the recent years. I swear every time I click on Bossip or Clutch, I am reading about the biggest Afro ever, or women crying about having their afros frisked and patted down at the airport, or mothers are going natural to show their daughters that its ok to be nappy., Hell, it seems like every week the New York Times is pumping out an article about somebody’s natural hair and somebody’s blog about natural hair. Now MTV is trying to get their piece of the Miss Jessie’s pie.

They have put out a casting call to find black women to tell their going natural stories for their show True Life–you know MTV’s rendition of hard-hitting journalism exploiting stupid people who want to be famous. Well my girl Tracie hit me up joking if I were to call send in a tape, given that I am month 14 into my transition, and thank you Jesus, I still have hair on my head and the shit hasn’t broken all the way off. (Thank you heavy duty protein treatments)

Now of course, I told her no. 1.) I am too old for MTV and those kids would just suck their teeth, roll their eyes and just turn on Love and Hip Hop and watch those hens cluck it out before they would listen to my damn India Arie love yourself , fuck the Kardashians mantra.

2.)When it comes to my hair, there is no drama. I wash it, condition it, detangle it,  pull it back, put a scarf on it and the shit lays for most of the whole day. If I want to straighten, the Dominicans do that. I just struggle with moderate breakage. I am not going through some back to Africa to moment,  no one is telling me I look like Aunt Jemima or Celie from the Color Purple or making fun on my choices,  and I have yet to get caught up in my bathroom with a bowl of well mixed Mizani Butter Blends begging my roommate to talk me down from relaxing my shit bone straight.

But if I know anything about reality TV, black folks and the obsession with natural/kinky/curly/nappy hair, I am predicting the three people that the casting directors will choose:

1. The biracial chick whose black father is MIA and she is stuck in the middle of Indiana in a rural white community where no one gets her and the only hair product they have for black hair within the next 50 mile radius is Murray’s pomade…and the idea of Hair Rules is a mere pipedream…shit the town JUST found out of what JAM was…..good luck Bethany growing out that Just for me...Likelihood that she will remain natural: High. Cause once someone introduces her to the Chi flat iron and a YouTube channel tutorial, her hair will be slanging like a Beyonce lacefront.
2. The spunky cheerleader who probably went to Spelman or Howard or some other HBCU, she wears pearls, goes to church every Sunday and has big plans on marrying her high school sweetheart who only wants two things from her: For her to to always make him a plate before she makes her own and 2.) Just be pretty , quiet and keep that weave in. Oh, also she comes from money and a mother (with an attitude that resembles Whitley Gilbert’s mom) who permed her hair the second a wave came in–so every 6 weeks.  Now this girl breaks up with that boy,  comes home for Thanksgiving with an Issa Rae haircut and her boogie ass mom goes ballistic…Pass the potatoes folks, it’s not going to be pretty. Likelihood that she will remain natural: It’s a Toss Up. She might lose her inheritance for staying true to herself or because her family now thinks that she is a lesbian. But if she can tough it out, let her hair grow in some and master the art of the twist-out using something from the Uncle Funky’s Daughter product line, she might be saved. But this one is weak as hell, if the family doesn’t come around, she might consider relaxing again.
3. The cute chic, whose hair drama unfortunately plays out like Pecola from The Bluest Eye. She lives for Curly Nikki and Long Hair Care Forums and spends her life dreaming of 3c curls and asking people what her hair type is. They tell her 4C, she calls them “Haters.” And with her “I’ll show them attitude” she finally does the big chop, only to realize that her natural looks like taco meat. She freaks out,  but she is committed to getting what she wants, She goes into steep credit card debt, buying every new product, trying every new technique-shingling, braidouts, three strand twists to no avail...Likelihood that she will remain natural:  Not a Chance in Hell.  Girl, there are not enough products in the world to make your hair look like Mariah Carey circa “Vision of Love”. She gets way too frustrated with her shrinkage and dryness and the negative comments from her family, friends and potential men she wants to date. She lets their ignorance get her down and eventually she slaps some creamy crack back into her shit and swears she will never go natural again. “The hell with all you natural bitches.”

Fade to black, roll credits…up next…”Teenage Mom 2″

I mean, did I get it wrong? Who do you think MTV will pick?

 

Five Things That Irked Me–Week of June 6

(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is about Justin Beiber, but his bangs annoy the hell out me every week…carry on)

Here are five things that irked the hell out of me this week:

• Sista Gurl get your curtsey on. No, the Queen isn’t coming, The “extinct successful black man” is gracing you with his bullshit:

 Another article, another reminder of how unfuckable and unlovable we are. This time, it’s Vibe’s turn to step in the shit. In an as told to piece, Rapper Slim Thug—no, you are not alone, I can’t name his last album either—unloaded his anger towards his mother for not breastfeeding him as a child warned black women to be more like white women if they want to have black mates. He said:

 “Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more.”cooking and being down for they man moret cooking and being down for they man more…”

I cannot. Negro, go sit down somewhere. Like I am going to take dating advice from someone whose name is Slim Thug (though you kinda fat), has really never dated a quality woman (only skrippers with red lace fronts and 3 different baby daddies) and has admitted to having serious issues being faithful in relationships.

Instead of popping off at the mouth spreading more misogynistic fuckery, why not just do what all Z- list celebs do when questioning their relevancy? Leak your own sex tape.  Thanks in advance.

• Jada Pinkett, stop using your kids to prove you are the cool! Isn’t being a swinger enough? We get it, you different.

 We all saw poor little Willow Smith at the premiere of her brother’s movie rocking what looked like a mix of Lady Gaga, Neo from The Matrix with a splash of Mr. T. I can’t. Yeah this might have been somewhat okay if she was 19, not 9. She is not old enough to make an educated decision on looking like a hot ass mess yet.

 I don’t know if it’s the fame, the feeling that they are invincible, the obsession with media attention, or the Scientology, but these damn celeb parents keep playing Barbie and Ken with their kids and I am getting tired of it. IT’S NOT CUTE.  

From Mel B giving her 3-year old a Mohawk with shaved sides, to Katie Holmes’s toddler Suri rocking heels and NO COAT in the winter, to Angelina Jolie dying her kids’ hair all different colors. When will this stop? I am all for allowing a child to explore their creativity and be who they are, but these damn kids are not asking for this, they can barely tell you where their nose is.  

If any Hollywood child is asking for something, it’s baby Zahara begging for Brad to hire a live-in hairdresser. She is tired of looking like a runaway slave.

• The whackest shows of all time—One Tree Hill, Supernatural, and 90210—continue to get renewed, but The Game is still MIA?

 This isn’t really a new concept, but I saw some commercial on CW for another teen show, full of white kids, based on the same concept of Gossip Girl AND GOT PISSED. The Game was a great show, funny, entertaining , not to mention Coby Bell is an Adonis. And now we have to wait till 2015 probably waiting for EBT BET to get it together and get their money right.

 It’s funny how the origins of CW made their money off black comedies and now there isn’t one left in sight. Television is looking more and more like Anaheim, CA, people.

•  Who are the “average Americans” surveyed for Facebook’s “Family Feud” game? Cult members? Jesus Freaks? People who think fine dining is Red Lobster?

 Maybe I am just way too New York to excell at this game,  cause I only make it the Bonus Round like once every four games.

What do you mean things that people do in the morning before anyone gets up does not include smoking, reading Media Takeout or preparing for the walk of shame back to your apartment? Apparently, this is the time when people workout and pray and have sex with their cousins.

 This game is not about how smart you are, or reasonable, it’s about how West Virginia you can be.

•  Helena Andrews’ memoir “Bitch is The New Black” came out last week:  

Ugh. Normally, I would have a lot to say about this, but I am exercising my right to remain silent. Wouldn’t want to be accused of having the right to have a fucking opinion when people suck bringing another black woman down.

 It’s cool though. I’ll just let these three do it for me.

 Book Review: Helena Andrews Has A Quarter-Life Crisis In “Bitch Is the New Black”

 Thirsty is the New Black

Rebuttal: Bitch is The New Black

 

He Reminds Me of My Jeep: Drake

Yes, Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation makes my panties moist. I aint ashamed.

This Canadian import’s smile blows me away. Most important,  he is slightly corny–which I love. I am so over this “I got shot nine times in the mouth, I sold drugs out my grandmother’s car, I have 17 kids from 17 different women and I served 25 years to life for murdering some man who cut me line at Target.

The hyper-masculine thug has got to go!

What I find interesting is that when I posted my love for Drake on Facebook, I got HATED on. Told that he is ugly, that I am too cute for him and that I have low standards!

Listen up: I don’t care if he looks kinda of retarded, or if his hairline is REALLY low or if he somewhat resembles a caveman, homo-habitus, whatever. This young man  is super talented and can make my p***y whistle WHENEVER HE WANTS.

Oh and you cougars out there, Drake, 23,  told Vibe he loves older women. (Which means I possibly have a chance. )

FYI: I have forgiven him for that shitty “Best I Ever Had” video and his kiss with Rihanna. (Kanye, who directed the video was clearly off his meds. I also suspect he suffers from the same disease that Beyonce’s father does–wanting to sabatoge other’s careers who stand in his way.  No comment on Rihanna–I don’t want to get attacked by her stans who continue to fight for the right to have no talent and be successful in the music game. )

Below is his newest joint with Timberland, “Say Something”… Peep when he licks his lips…damn…

Drake, I have plenty to say, but I don’t want my another lecture from my mother for being crass on the blog.

 

Music Video Throwback…George Michael’s “Father Figure”

I always loved George Michael–from when he was wearing coochie cutters with WHAM!, grinding on Aretha Franklin, masturbating in public, came out and went on record saying he was scared to get an HIV test–shit who isn’t? I am a true fan. This song still gives me chills when I listen to it…I mean, “That’s all I wanted, something special, something sacred in your eyes. For just one moment, to be warm and naked at your side.” WHAT? OOOOH-WEEEE. Granted, I was in fifth grade when this dropped, so I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about per se, but it still made me WARM and fuzzy inside. not to mention GM looked really sexy in this video. The second to last shot when she is walking down the catwalk and he is there just looking at her…DAMN!

This model chic played herself in this video. Back then, he could have been my daddy ANYTIME! Now, not so much, but we definitely could go to Vlada together and get wasted.

 

When Trying To Be A YouTube Sensation Goes Too Far: The Domino’s Pizza Edition

I mean, everybody wants to the next Obama Girl or summin’, but this is just getting out of control. The New York Times reports that two Domino’s employees thought it would be funny to put boogers on pizzas, video tape it and it put it online. Instead of getting dap from the cyber world, all hell broke loose:

When two Domino’s Pizza employees filmed a prank in the restaurant’s kitchen, they decided to post it online. In a few days, thanks to the power of social media, they ended up with felony charges, more than a million disgusted viewers, and a major company facing a public relations crisis.

In videos posted on YouTube and elsewhere this week, a Domino’s employee in Conover, N.C., prepared sandwiches for delivery while putting cheese up his nose, nasal mucus on the sandwiches, and violating other health-code standards while a fellow employee provided narration.

The two were charged with delivering prohibited foods.

By Wednesday afternoon, the video had been viewed more than a million times on YouTube. References to it were in five of the 12 results on the first page of Google search for “Dominos,” and discussions about Domino’s had spread throughout Twitter.

This is why the majority of meals are prepared at home–so i know it’s my OWN boogers on my food–NASTY BITCHES. If these fools go to jail, how are they going to explain that to their cell mate?

“Uh, I’m here because me and my coworker pretended to put boogers on a pepperoni and mushroom pizza and then we posted it on YouTube. Why are you here?”

” I decapitated my neighbor for yelling at my dog.”

“Sweet.”

I hope they get their tails whooped everyday in the slammer.

This is why people need to really think about what they post online, cause EVERYBODY AND THEY MOMMA IS EITHER TWITTERING, FACEBOOKING IT AND YOUTUBIN’ IT, OR WHATEVER ELSE IS HOT IN THE STREETS. What did they think was going to happen? People were going to laugh and keep it moving? Did they think Steve Colbert was going to invite them on his show or something? Actually, these hillbillies probably don’t even have cable–they would probably be happy if they were on Maury.

Why in the hell would you jeopardize your damn job-in the midst of the worse recession this country has ever seen–over some 15-minutes of fame nonsense? What low-IQ person George W. Bush would find that amusing? It’s cool though, there are 15 Harvard grads in the area already lined up waiting to take their jobs anyway, so maybe it all worked out. Meanwhile, Domino’s stocks are plummeting, they are being bombarded with complaints and the poor president of the company had to send an email apologizing to folks–you know Pizza Hut and Poppa Johns are happy as hell right now.

 

Music Video Throwback: PM Dawn’s “I’d Die Without U”

The Boomerang soundtrack was the ish, but this song was the STANDOUT! PM Dawn was always a little strange, with their flower power mantra and hippie glasses. Not quite the mold of black masculinity at that time–Public Enemy, X-hats and “By Any Means Necessary, that’s probably why I loved them so….. I had this crush on this boy–who will remain nameless and you couldn’t have told me that this song was not written for me and my teen angst. I was a tortured soul even back in 1992.

 

Gov’ Threatens that Texas Could Secede From the Union…Um, ok BYE!

So the Huffington Post is reporting that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has his panties in a bunch because a black man is President he and other conservatives like himself don’t like Obama and Congress’s stance on some issues.

AUSTIN, Texas — Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax “tea party” Wednesday with his stance against the federal government and for states’ rights as some in his U.S. flag-waving audience shouted, “Secede!”

An animated Perry told the crowd at Austin City Hall — one of three tea parties he was attending across the state — that officials in Washington have abandoned the country’s founding principles of limited government. He said the federal government is strangling Americans with taxation, spending and debt.

Perry repeated his running theme that Texas’ economy is in relatively good shape compared with other states and with the “federal budget mess.” Many in the crowd held signs deriding President Barack Obama and the $786 billion federal economic stimulus package.

Perry called his supporters patriots. Later, answering news reporters’ questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

“There’s a lot of different scenarios,” Perry said. “We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”

Are we supposed to be scared or summin? Be out then. The only decent things in Texas are the city of Austin and my brother Wilson, both which can relocate easily. Honestly, like REAL TALK. What in the hell has Texas ever done for us? It brought us TWO President Bushes, them racist hillbillies who dragged that innocent black man with their car and killed him and that stupid Jessica Simpson and Beyonce. I mean really. I think the quality of life would be much better for this country, if the state and everything in it were to do how Bobby Brown did New Edition, throw the dueces and go solo. They’ll do all right in the beginning, but eventually they will come back beggin’ when their money is gone and they all strung out.

 

Germany’s New Ads for Rubbers: Use Condoms or Make A Hitler, The Choice is Yours

I mean, yes we ALL MUST WRAP IT UP and clearly the message isn’t being heard, given the soaring rates of HIV infections around the world. So what does Germany do? Try to scare the hell out of you to not raw dog it by conjuring up emotions of guilt, oppression and mass extinction: Don’t bring the next Hitler into the world. Use a condom.

Slate blogger Willa Paskin writes: A truly astounding series of German condom advertisements are making the rounds this morning—each features a sketch of a sperm made to look like Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden or Mao Zedong. Their not so subtle message being, “Better wrap it up… unless you want to bring evil into the world!” The ads are arresting and hilarious, but the self-flagellation inherent in them strikes me as being distinctly German: I can’t imagine many American dudes susceptible to the suggestion that their sperm wear swastikas, or, to use a more purely American parallel, KKK outfits. (Obviously, their sperm have 90 mile an hour fastballs, good looks and a working familiarity with the art of the deal). It’s a dark take on procreation, informed by an everyday awareness that people can go really, really bad. Of course, people can go good as well, and I almost expect to see these images re-purposed for an anti-condom or pro-life campaign, with sperm made to look like Jesus, Abe Lincoln or Martin Luther King Jr.

What ever happened to just showing pictures of the woman with the cauliflower vagina or the man with bumpy penis to “remind” people of the dangers of unprotected sex? Why you gotta go and get all “George W. Weapons of Mass Destruction” with it? Why you gotta get all Schlinder’s List on it? Now I gotta to worry about HIV and carrying in my womb the next HORRENDOUS murderous dictator who is capable of blowing up things and killing people for fun? C’mon now.

The ads are slightly funny, but a mess nonetheless.

See the rest here.

 

What I’m Listening To A Lot Right Now…Keri Hilson’s “In A Perfect World”

So, I haven’t been waiting for her album to drop as long as Maxwell’s…lol, but it has been awhile. And honestly, I am not disappointed. I knew when I heard Energy last summer, I was going to like her stuff.  I love her style, she writes some of her own stuff,  she can actually dance and sing (Rihanna, you taking notes?) and she is not screaming on her tracks (Bey. ARE YOU LISTENING?) Her album sounds like a mix of everything–a little Ciara (Slow Dance), a little but of Prince (Intuition), a little but of Aaliyah (especially “Where Did He Go”) and a little J-Hud (Energy). My favorite song on the album is definitely “Turning You On” and “Intuition”. I feel her  when she says “I got this crazy feeling…im gonna be single again…I can feel it…you gonna mess up!” Girl, you ain’t never lied, cause they always do.

Here is her new video “Knock You Down” I hate to even say it, cause I love him, but I am sooooooo over Kanye right now.

Watch Mathew Knowles ask to be her manager so he can sabotage her career just like he did Kelly’s. Keri, watch yo’ back!

 

He Reminds Me of my Jeep, The Something New Edition…Paul Walker

Say what you must, I don’t give a damn! This white boy from the Fast and the Furious franchise LOOKS GOOD! I know he’s this millennium’s version of Keanu Reeves….I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH THAT, especially given how I would strip in the streets if that’s what it took for Keanu to even look at me.

Walker is the epitome of Nebraska-looking loving. I have yet to see him close up, which is fine FOR NOW. I remember junior year in college, my BFF Emily came to visit me at Michigan and we went to the mall movie theater to see She’s All That and this Adonis played the jerk. When he came to pick Lacey up for the prom and he walked in her parents living room with that tux on….EVERY YOUNG GIRL GASPED like someone had touched their hmm mmm for the first time–Myself included! Paul was the first celebrity I ever cyber-stalked..oh the memories!

Peep my boy:

Who are the people that create these YouTube montages? I mean I am not knocking them, they just do all of my stalker work for me. I just want to know.