Image 

Oh what a half season The Walking Dead was!

The group took over the prison; killed a hell of a lot of zombies and a couple of people too; we were finally introduced to our silent mute Michonne; Merle is alive and Carl is still needs an ass whooping; The Governor got his eye poked out; Andrea got laid and a hot shower; the Old Man got half of his leg cut off; T-Dog had 2 lines and then was killed; and Rick lost his mind for 2 episodes and miraculously got sane. 

Oh and what’s her face died after she gave birth and we all cried and forgot for 4 minutes that we hated her ungrateful ass.

 There wasn’t much to complain about this season, it was pretty amazing. But that won’t stop Pop Gumbo from throwing shade anyway. It’s what I do.  Here’s what I need to happen when the show returns in February.

  • Make Michonne Open Her Damn Mouth 

 I am not sure if she is Helen Keller meets Kill Bill, but seriously, her long silent glares with her big eyes and her grunting got REAL tired after episode 3.

 We get it, she mad, she bad, she black, she has swords and she is independent. But can we make her less of the angry Black woman that we are warned will never get married cause she too “aggressive” and more of a nuanced character that I can relate to and empathize with?

 For her to be a fan favorite, the meth looking white man ex con who I can’t even remember his name has more actual lines than Michonne does. Get it together please. It’s bad enough that the only other Black woman on the show got all TD Jakes on us and sat there and to get blown up so she could meet her maker.

 Also, she was waaay too worried about Andrea’s ass for entirely too long.  Girl, if Andrea wanna stay and be The Governor’s booty call let her. No one is gonna make me stay longer than I want to, if I think the ish is shady…

 Which leads me to….

  • De-Dickmatize Andrea STAT

 Look, I get it. The last person Andrea had sex with was Shane’s crazy ass. And the last time Andrea took a shower was 2010. And the last time she had liquor was at the CDC headquarters. She’s been running with Michonne all winter, she is tired of talking to herself and running from the zombies. She wants a normal life, some consistent sex and a warm bed to sleep in at night.

And the Governor is giving her everything she needs, included a lifetime supply of whiskey. I would be the Queen of Woodberry-doing anything he told me to do (within reason) As my friend once joked, if he was her he would be like “You want me to comb Penny’s hair Big Daddy?”

But what I need for the writers to do is de-dickmatize her and get her mind right when it comes to Rick & Co. They are your family, that’s where your loyalties lie. Yeah yeah, you got left, but girl please. Your own sister, had you not put her down, would have left you too. Get over it. You gonna mess around and stay and end up in a body bag or worse one of them zombies wrestling humans in the pit with people cheering. 

 What’s most sad is that Andrea had gained all of this independence and “I am woman hear me roar” mentality since the first season, and the minute she gets some lovin’ and male attention, she acts stuck on stupid. Sigh.  

  • It’s OK to Have More Than One Black Man Alive on The Show At a Time, Really, It Is

 I mean, it was bad enough that T-Dawg only had 4 lines for two and a half seasons. But you then kill him off, only to replace him with an ex con who lasted like 4 eps with very few lines, who you then killed off and replaced with another Black man we met in the finale, Tyrone.

What’s up with this tag team Black representation? You afraid that if you have three Black men together at the same time, they gonna go all Nat Turner on these white folks? I can’t promise that they won’t, but still, don’t be scared.

 Also: Where are the Latinos, Asian women, Arabs, South Asians and most importantly, THE OUT GAYS??? I know its Georgia, but I need some more diversity up in this apocalyptic world…

  • Whatever you do DON’T KILL OFF DARYL OR GLEN

 Yeah you all killed off Shane, Dale and Laurie, which was OK cause they were annoying.  I get that killing off main characters, who we have grown to love and/or hate, creates more buzz, drama and long ass FB threads and gchat conversations. It also gets you more viewers. So in no way am I asking you to not kill people because I am not emotional capable of dealing with loss. But if you kill off Glen and/or Daryl folks including myself might lose their damn minds, riot and stone you all at Comic-Con. I’m just warning you, a boycott of the show ain’t nothing. People are emotionally invested in these two characters for a RANGE OF REASONS, so choose wisely you off next.

 My advice: Just kill Carl Jr–his Justin Beiber hair, bad attitude and sense of entitlement is getting on my damn nerves. Just a suggestion.

Any other items of your wishlist for The Walking Dead? What did I miss?

Is it just me or has the media given a lot of attention to black women and their hair over the recent years. I swear every time I click on Bossip or Clutch, I am reading about the biggest Afro ever, or women crying about having their afros frisked and patted down at the airport, or mothers are going natural to show their daughters that its ok to be nappy., Hell, it seems like every week the New York Times is pumping out an article about somebody’s natural hair and somebody’s blog about natural hair. Now MTV is trying to get their piece of the Miss Jessie’s pie.

They have put out a casting call to find black women to tell their going natural stories for their show True Life–you know MTV’s rendition of hard-hitting journalism exploiting stupid people who want to be famous. Well my girl Tracie hit me up joking if I were to call send in a tape, given that I am month 14 into my transition, and thank you Jesus, I still have hair on my head and the shit hasn’t broken all the way off. (Thank you heavy duty protein treatments)

Now of course, I told her no. 1.) I am too old for MTV and those kids would just suck their teeth, roll their eyes and just turn on Love and Hip Hop and watch those hens cluck it out before they would listen to my damn India Arie love yourself , fuck the Kardashians mantra.

2.)When it comes to my hair, there is no drama. I wash it, condition it, detangle it,  pull it back, put a scarf on it and the shit lays for most of the whole day. If I want to straighten, the Dominicans do that. I just struggle with moderate breakage. I am not going through some back to Africa to moment,  no one is telling me I look like Aunt Jemima or Celie from the Color Purple or making fun on my choices,  and I have yet to get caught up in my bathroom with a bowl of well mixed Mizani Butter Blends begging my roommate to talk me down from relaxing my shit bone straight.

But if I know anything about reality TV, black folks and the obsession with natural/kinky/curly/nappy hair, I am predicting the three people that the casting directors will choose:

  1. The biracial chick whose black father is MIA and she is stuck in the middle of Indiana in a rural white community where no one gets her and the only hair product they have for black hair within the next 50 mile radius is Murray’s pomade…and the idea of Hair Rules is a mere pipedream…shit the town JUST found out of what JAM was…..good luck Bethany growing out that Just for me...Likelihood that she will remain natural: High. Cause once someone introduces her to the Chi flat iron and a YouTube channel tutorial, her hair will be slanging like a Beyonce lacefront.
  2. The spunky cheerleader who probably went to Spelman or Howard or some other HBCU, she wears pearls, goes to church every Sunday and has big plans on marrying her high school sweetheart who only wants two things from her: For her to to always make him a plate before she makes her own and 2.) Just be pretty , quiet and keep that weave in. Oh, also she comes from money and a mother (with an attitude that resembles Whitley Gilbert’s mom) who permed her hair the second a wave came in–so every 6 weeks.  Now this girl breaks up with that boy,  comes home for Thanksgiving with an Issa Rae haircut and her boogie ass mom goes ballistic…Pass the potatoes folks, it’s not going to be pretty. Likelihood that she will remain natural: It’s a Toss Up. She might lose her inheritance for staying true to herself or because her family now thinks that she is a lesbian. But if she can tough it out, let her hair grow in some and master the art of the twist-out using something from the Uncle Funky’s Daughter product line, she might be saved. But this one is weak as hell, if the family doesn’t come around, she might consider relaxing again.
  3. The cute chic, whose hair drama unfortunately plays out like Pecola from The Bluest Eye. She lives for Curly Nikki and Long Hair Care Forums and spends her life dreaming of 3c curls and asking people what her hair type is. They tell her 4C, she calls them “Haters.” And with her “I’ll show them attitude” she finally does the big chop, only to realize that her natural looks like taco meat. She freaks out,  but she is committed to getting what she wants, She goes into steep credit card debt, buying every new product, trying every new technique-shingling, braidouts, three strand twists to no avail...Likelihood that she will remain natural Not a Chance in Hell.  Girl, there are not enough products in the world to make your hair look like Mariah Carey circa “Vision of Love”. She gets way too frustrated with her shrinkage and dryness and the negative comments from her family, friends and potential men she wants to date. She lets their ignorance get her down and eventually she slaps some creamy crack back into her shit and swears she will never go natural again. “The hell with all you natural bitches.”

Fade to black, roll credits…up next…”Teenage Mom 2″

I mean, did I get it wrong? Who do you think MTV will pick?

(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is about Justin Beiber, but his bangs annoy the hell out me every week…carry on)

Here are five things that irked the hell out of me this week:

  • Sista Gurl get your curtsey on. No, the Queen isn’t coming, The “extinct successful black man” is gracing you with his bullshit:

 Another article, another reminder of how unfuckable and unlovable we are. This time, it’s Vibe’s turn to step in the shit. In an as told to piece, Rapper Slim Thug—no, you are not alone, I can’t name his last album either—unloaded his anger towards his mother for not breastfeeding him as a child warned black women to be more like white women if they want to have black mates. He said:

 “Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more.”cooking and being down for they man moret cooking and being down for they man more…”

I cannot. Negro, go sit down somewhere. Like I am going to take dating advice from someone whose name is Slim Thug (though you kinda fat), has really never dated a quality woman (only skrippers with red lace fronts and 3 different baby daddies) and has admitted to having serious issues being faithful in relationships.

Instead of popping off at the mouth spreading more misogynistic fuckery, why not just do what all Z- list celebs do when questioning their relevancy? Leak your own sex tape.  Thanks in advance.

  • Jada Pinkett, stop using your kids to prove you are the cool! Isn’t being a swinger enough? We get it, you different.

 We all saw poor little Willow Smith at the premiere of her brother’s movie rocking what looked like a mix of Lady Gaga, Neo from The Matrix with a splash of Mr. T. I can’t. Yeah this might have been somewhat okay if she was 19, not 9. She is not old enough to make an educated decision on looking like a hot ass mess yet.

 I don’t know if it’s the fame, the feeling that they are invincible, the obsession with media attention, or the Scientology, but these damn celeb parents keep playing Barbie and Ken with their kids and I am getting tired of it. IT’S NOT CUTE.  

From Mel B giving her 3-year old a Mohawk with shaved sides, to Katie Holmes’s toddler Suri rocking heels and NO COAT in the winter, to Angelina Jolie dying her kids’ hair all different colors. When will this stop? I am all for allowing a child to explore their creativity and be who they are, but these damn kids are not asking for this, they can barely tell you where their nose is.  

If any Hollywood child is asking for something, it’s baby Zahara begging for Brad to hire a live-in hairdresser. She is tired of looking like a runaway slave.

  • The whackest shows of all time—One Tree Hill, Supernatural, and 90210—continue to get renewed, but The Game is still MIA?

 This isn’t really a new concept, but I saw some commercial on CW for another teen show, full of white kids, based on the same concept of Gossip Girl AND GOT PISSED. The Game was a great show, funny, entertaining , not to mention Coby Bell is an Adonis. And now we have to wait till 2015 probably waiting for EBT BET to get it together and get their money right.

 It’s funny how the origins of CW made their money off black comedies and now there isn’t one left in sight. Television is looking more and more like Anaheim, CA, people.

  •  Who are the “average Americans” surveyed for Facebook’s “Family Feud” game? Cult members? Jesus Freaks? People who think fine dining is Red Lobster?

 Maybe I am just way too New York to excell at this game,  cause I only make it the Bonus Round like once every four games.

What do you mean things that people do in the morning before anyone gets up does not include smoking, reading Media Takeout or preparing for the walk of shame back to your apartment? Apparently, this is the time when people workout and pray and have sex with their cousins.

 This game is not about how smart you are, or reasonable, it’s about how West Virginia you can be.

  •  Helena Andrews’ memoir “Bitch is The New Black” came out last week:  

Ugh. Normally, I would have a lot to say about this, but I am exercising my right to remain silent. Wouldn’t want to be accused of having the right to have a fucking opinion when people suck bringing another black woman down.

 It’s cool though. I’ll just let these three do it for me.

 Book Review: Helena Andrews Has A Quarter-Life Crisis In “Bitch Is the New Black”

 Thirsty is the New Black

Rebuttal: Bitch is The New Black

Yes, Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation makes my panties moist. I aint ashamed.

This Canadian import’s smile blows me away. Most important,  he is slightly corny–which I love. I am so over this “I got shot nine times in the mouth, I sold drugs out my grandmother’s car, I have 17 kids from 17 different women and I served 25 years to life for murdering some man who cut me line at Target.

The hyper-masculine thug has got to go!

What I find interesting is that when I posted my love for Drake on Facebook, I got HATED on. Told that he is ugly, that I am too cute for him and that I have low standards!

Listen up: I don’t care if he looks kinda of retarded, or if his hairline is REALLY low or if he somewhat resembles a caveman, homo-habitus, whatever. This young man  is super talented and can make my p***y whistle WHENEVER HE WANTS.

Oh and you cougars out there, Drake, 23,  told Vibe he loves older women. (Which means I possibly have a chance. )

FYI: I have forgiven him for that shitty “Best I Ever Had” video and his kiss with Rihanna. (Kanye, who directed the video was clearly off his meds. I also suspect he suffers from the same disease that Beyonce’s father does–wanting to sabatoge other’s careers who stand in his way.  No comment on Rihanna–I don’t want to get attacked by her stans who continue to fight for the right to have no talent and be successful in the music game. )

Below is his newest joint with Timberland, “Say Something”… Peep when he licks his lips…damn…

Drake, I have plenty to say, but I don’t want my another lecture from my mother for being crass on the blog.

george-michael-faith_lI always loved George Michael–from when he was wearing coochie cutters with WHAM!, grinding on Aretha Franklin, masturbating in public, came out and went on record saying he was scared to get an HIV test–shit who isn’t? I am a true fan. This song still gives me chills when I listen to it…I mean, “That’s all I wanted, something special, something sacred in your eyes. For just one moment, to be warm and naked at your side.” WHAT? OOOOH-WEEEE. Granted, I was in fifth grade when this dropped, so I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about per se, but it still made me WARM and fuzzy inside. not to mention GM looked really sexy in this video. The second to last shot when she is walking down the catwalk and he is there just looking at her…DAMN!

This model chic played herself in this video. Back then, he could have been my daddy ANYTIME! Now, not so much, but we definitely could go to Vlada together and get wasted.

300_41308I mean, everybody wants to the next Obama Girl or summin’, but this is just getting out of control. The New York Times reports that two Domino’s employees thought it would be funny to put boogers on pizzas, video tape it and it put it online. Instead of getting dap from the cyber world, all hell broke loose:

When two Domino’s Pizza employees filmed a prank in the restaurant’s kitchen, they decided to post it online. In a few days, thanks to the power of social media, they ended up with felony charges, more than a million disgusted viewers, and a major company facing a public relations crisis.

In videos posted on YouTube and elsewhere this week, a Domino’s employee in Conover, N.C., prepared sandwiches for delivery while putting cheese up his nose, nasal mucus on the sandwiches, and violating other health-code standards while a fellow employee provided narration.

The two were charged with delivering prohibited foods.

By Wednesday afternoon, the video had been viewed more than a million times on YouTube. References to it were in five of the 12 results on the first page of Google search for “Dominos,” and discussions about Domino’s had spread throughout Twitter.

This is why the majority of meals are prepared at home–so i know it’s my OWN boogers on my food–NASTY BITCHES. If these fools go to jail, how are they going to explain that to their cell mate?

“Uh, I’m here because me and my coworker pretended to put boogers on a pepperoni and mushroom pizza and then we posted it on YouTube. Why are you here?”

” I decapitated my neighbor for yelling at my dog.”

“Sweet.”

I hope they get their tails whooped everyday in the slammer.

This is why people need to really think about what they post online, cause EVERYBODY AND THEY MOMMA IS EITHER TWITTERING, FACEBOOKING IT AND YOUTUBIN’ IT, OR WHATEVER ELSE IS HOT IN THE STREETS. What did they think was going to happen? People were going to laugh and keep it moving? Did they think Steve Colbert was going to invite them on his show or something? Actually, these hillbillies probably don’t even have cable–they would probably be happy if they were on Maury.

Why in the hell would you jeopardize your damn job-in the midst of the worse recession this country has ever seen–over some 15-minutes of fame nonsense? What low-IQ person George W. Bush would find that amusing? It’s cool though, there are 15 Harvard grads in the area already lined up waiting to take their jobs anyway, so maybe it all worked out. Meanwhile, Domino’s stocks are plummeting, they are being bombarded with complaints and the poor president of the company had to send an email apologizing to folks–you know Pizza Hut and Poppa Johns are happy as hell right now.

012762_11The Boomerang soundtrack was the ish, but this song was the STANDOUT! PM Dawn was always a little strange, with their flower power mantra and hippie glasses. Not quite the mold of black masculinity at that time–Public Enemy, X-hats and “By Any Means Necessary, that’s probably why I loved them so….. I had this crush on this boy–who will remain nameless and you couldn’t have told me that this song was not written for me and my teen angst. I was a tortured soul even back in 1992.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.